You are in a war – a war for your sexual purity. The enemy attacks the young and old alike, hoping to permanently scar and leave you ruined. Your sexual past does not define who you are and it is not the end of your story. There are hope and practical steps to achieve lasting freedom from unwanted sexual behaviors.
In this video, Dr. Doug Weiss:
- explains the physiological and psychological responses to pornography
- shows the effects of impure sexual thoughts and actions on your relationships
- gives you practical tools to get and stay sexually clean
Below is a transcript of the video, starting at 7:36:
Paul La Vigne: Good evening everyone and welcome to our live stream tonight. We’re coming to you on Facebook, YouTube and our website, impactus.org. I’m Paul La Vigne, Director of Operations at Impactus | Promise Keepers Canada and I’m so excited to be joining you tonight. Tonight we’re going to hear from Dr. Doug Weiss, discussing sexual purity and how to stay Clean for a Lifetime. Now some of you may not be familiar with us. We’re a men’s ministry and we’re focused on equipping men for a life of purpose and Godly impact. Our goal is to reach men globally in this digital world, through our website, impactus.org, a resource-heavy site that’s designed to address the challenges and the questions that we all face as men. For those of you who do know us, I want to welcome you. And we’re so glad that you’re joining us tonight. Now if you’re watching on Facebook tonight I ask if you would share this tonight.
We’d like to get this out to as many men as possible. You could start a watch party. We certainly want you to comment. And if you have any questions whatsoever throughout the evening please type them in the comment section and we’ll be answering questions later on this evening. Now I’d like to introduce to you Dr. Doug Weiss. He’s a long-time friend of the ministry and he’s spoken at many of our conferences. He’s done podcasts, contributed numerous articles for impactus.org. Dr. Weiss is a nationally known author, speaker and a licensed Psychologist. He’s the Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counselling Centre in Colorado Springs, Colorado. And he’s the author of over 40 books, including Clean: A Proven Plan for Men Committed to Sexual Integrity
Doug Weiss: Well Paul, thank you so much. I’m very excited to be here tonight. I’m very excited to talk about being Clean for a Lifetime. I mean –
Paul La Vigne: Awesome.
Doug Weiss: – you and I know that this is the biggest battle in men’s lives, in the churches’ lives, and if we don’t win this battle we don’t win our culture. And if we do win this battle we do win our culture.
Paul La Vigne: Amen. Yes, that’s great. Yeah, you are so right. You’ve been helping men fight this battle for over 30 years, correct?
Doug Weiss: Absolutely. Actually, right behind me, there, is my polygraph to verify that I’ve been clean since 1986. 1986.
Paul La Vigne: Wow.
Doug Weiss: [00:10:00]Over 30 years And so men can be free. When I say you’re staying Clean for a Lifetime, when the Lord sets you free you can measure that you’re free. If He heals you of cancer you can be scanned and there’s no cancer there, OK? I’m not talking about stopping for a week. I’m not talking about giving it a couple months. I’m talking about hey, I got my one year. I’m talking about 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now you can stand before your wife, before your God, before your church and say, “I have been clean and I have set men free.” And so yeah, I’m very excited to talk about this, because the legacy that’s potential in what we’re doing tonight, all across the world, is incredible.
So I love sowing that seed and seeing men get inspired, that it’s actually possible to not look at porn – not be sexual with yourself. Not have to lust after every woman you see. To have an eye that really sees women as people and to really be in the presence of God enough that you can be, like, “You know what, that’s an attractive woman, but I don’t have to lust after her. I don’t have to objectify her. I don’t have to scan or I don’t have to make her part of, like – make me happy or get some kind of cookie from her.”
Paul La Vigne: Yeah. Oh, so well said, so well said. I mean, you refer to this as a war. I mean, this is war on men. It’s just everywhere. It’s just so prevalent.
Doug Weiss: It’s a war on the church. The enemy wants to reduce the church, and we’re going to talk about this a little bit when you kind of let me go at this thing, but it’s a war on the church. Because the only enemy the enemy has is the church, OK? And if you can reduce her you can really change culture. We’ve seen that in Europe. You’ve seen it in your country. We’re seeing it in our country. And it’s devastating. And it’s really time for men to have the tools they need to be able to defeat this at a personal, local, national, international and global level.
Paul La Vigne: Absolutely. Well, we don’t want to take any more time. Dr. Weiss, take it away. You’ve got lots to say on this subject, and we’ll come back and answer questions that guys are throwing at us, in a little while.
Doug Weiss: Alright, great. Well thank you so much Paul and thank you for what you’re doing. And I really do appreciate it and honor the Promise Keepers | Impactus. You guys have been doing a fantastic job for many years. And I would say anyone who’s watching this, donate, OK? Put your money where the Kingdom is. I’ve been in these places and seen the Holy Spirit move. Seen people get saved. And, really, I’ve sent money. I love seeing this ministry grow. So please do that. Now I want to talk about being clean, and this coming mostly from the book Clean
And so my testimony – you know, sometimes people say, “Well Dr. Weiss, you know, you must have grew up with the silver spoon. Your dad loved you, you know? You must have had the word of God really early.” None of that’s true at all. I was conceived in adultery. I was abandoned. I was put in foster homes. I was sexually abused. I got into sexual addiction really early in my teen years, pornography and self–behaviour. Was – after being sexually abused got into sex with women on a regular basis, was totally out of control. Alcohol and drug addicted. My mom did send me to a Salvation Army church, and then camp, and I got saved, but I grew up in the world. And I thank God that Jesus is good for His word, even when I wasn’t good for mine. And He pursued me and I got to a place where I really wanted to kill myself. I was about 19 years old. And I knelt down outside and I said Jesus, “I know you’re God and I’m going to – instead of killing myself tonight I’ll give you 30 days. I’ll turn my life 100% to you, do 100% of what you tell me to do, and we’ll evaluate then.”
Well, 30 days later I was in Bible School. God has blessed me and encouraged me in so many ways. We’ve written many things. We’ve been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America,. And Jesus is real. His power is real. But, you know, I went to Bible School right after that, but I was still sexually addicted, still acting out on myself, you know, if I’d get access to pornography, and I felt really torn and duplictic, and how can God use me, feeling dirty? Many of you guys know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve cried out to God to get you free and you stayed stuck. Well I’m going to explain to you why that was.
But I’ve been free since 1986. So you can be free. I’m going to walk through the why, the how, some of the things we need to do, and practical things we need to do. And then I’m going to come back and Paul’s going to have some questions for us and we’ll do that. So let’s get to this thing.
You know, I’m a man, you’re a man, and men have to ask and have their question answered, why? Why am I doing this? Why do I want to be clean? What is so important? I mean, everyone’s doing it. The world’s doing it. Half the men in church or more are doing it. You know, what can be so wrong about, you know, looking at pretty women? Well there’s a lot wrong with what that goes into, and hopefully we’ll get to some of that. [00:15:00] And if we not, we have a free five-hour class. You guys can get into all of this. Every man should watch that. Our goal is a million clean men all across the globe. And that’s at drdougweiss.com/class. And you can do that.
But the why is really important. In Revelations, and I’m going to let you go to your own Bible and go to Revelations, chapter 2, and just read 20 to the end. I’m going to go through it quickly, just the ideas. But in there, talking to the church of Thyatira, who tolerated that woman, Jezebel, who was actually teaching that it was OK to be sexually immoral. And God was patient with her, but He said, “I’m going to kill your kids. Like, I’m done with this. You know, this is ridiculous.” And you’ve got to understand God really doesn’t want sexual immorality in his church. And so what happens is in this particular Scripture, as it goes on, it says this: “To him who overcomes,” He’s talking about this sexual spirit that says ‘I can have Christianity and sexuality on my own. I can be independent sexually. I can lust if I want to. I can sacrifice my sexuality on the idol of pornography or other fantasies. I can sow seed into the dark world and not expect anything to happen.’ She was teaching this kind of stuff. But the Scripture says: “To him who overcomes,” and it’s really important, it says: “I will.” Now this is in red ink. This is Jesus post-resurrection. This is not the lamb. This is the lion of Judah who paid for the sins of the earth. The resurrected Christ, who was saying to his church, with all authority and all power, “I will give authority over the nations.”
Now when you think about that, when God promises you something, if you overcome sexual sin, if you overcome sexual duplicity, that He will give you authority over the nations. Now that sounds like a really big grand thing and wow, that’s really theologically amazing Dr. Weiss. What if it’s actually true? What if this little guy here, who was in seminary and got clean, and people drove 50 miles to come see me before I ever wrote a book? And then I wrote my first book and I was on Phil Donahue, and that let to other shows like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, 20/20, etc. They have a movie made about my practice, and I was 30 years old. And so God has given me authority over nations.
I’ve been in Canada. I’ve been in Mexico and Europe and other places. And no matter where I go, men get free sexually. They get saved. And so I have authority over the nations because I haven’t had a sexual sin, masturbation, porn – I never had sex outside marriage in over 30-some years. That authority goes every decade. We touch people all over the globe through the YouTube stuff that we – hundreds of those, and we’ve gotten many other things. Like ministries like this that we’re able to partner with and share that Jesus Christ really desires freedom for every man. It’s not a selective few that gets well. It’s not the anointed that gets well. It’s those that are willing to do what the Bible says, to get free, stay free and maintain freedom.
And so I want to encourage you tonight that God wants to give you authority, not only in your household, not only in your church, not only in your city, not only in your province, not only in your nation, but nations. And because of technology any one of you watching this can change the world. So if you’re wondering what the devil is after, he’s not after your sexuality. He’s after your spiritual authority that you can – how can I say this? You can be seduced, and then you can be reduced, OK? Because you’re going to have guilt and shame and you’re going to feel bad. And you’re not going to pick up your sword. And you’re going to feel like, you know, how can God use me? And here you’re getting all this self–stuff that you’re not going to really be that able to go for the authority that God’s given you on the earth, as it is in Heaven.
It’s so exciting. Now that’s the why? So they why is God wants to give you authority. You know if I was saying to any man listening to me listen, I was talking to Bill Gates and he’s going to, he’s willing to give a billion dollars for any guy who cannot look at porn and not be sexual to himself and be clean for one year. Do you know how many guys would probably take that challenge pretty seriously? Who could probably stay clean and would do whatever I told them to do. They would do it. It’s a lot of money. Well what if God wants to give you authority that’s more than money? What if He wants to let people get free through your life? What if He wants to set healing and deliverance and freedom and power and revelation into your heart and your spirit to minister to your family when they’re in need, to be able to get business ideas, to be able to create wealth, to be able to support ministries like the Promise Keepers | Impactus? What if you were that man who’s chosen for that, if you would just stay clean? What if God had a bucket so big He’s just waiting for you to make room to receive it? Believe it and really follow into who He is. He wants that for you. So that’s the why [00:20:00]?
Now let’s get into, how did we get this way? I remember when I was in Bible School in seminary. I asked my professors a lot of questions. And I ask him, you know, why is sexual sin different in all of the sins? Because you guys are telling me all, the sins are the same and Jesus died for all the sins and – I’m, like yeah, I get that, but in the Scripture it actually says that the sexual sin is different. And I would take them the 1 Corinthians 6:18 and I would say right here it says: “When we sin sexually we sin against our own body.” It does not say when we lie, we sin against our body. When we steal we sin against our body, OK? But when we sin sexually we sin against our own body.
Why is sexual sin different? Well, it was many years later that the neuroscience field developed and started to grow, and over the last 15, 20 years has been amazing. But even in the early part of neuroscience we learned a lot about sexuality, that actually validates what the word of God says. And I can tell you, if it’s true science it’s going to support Scripture. So here it is. When you have an organism, when you have a sexual release, whether with yourself, someone else or whatever, you get these endogenous opioids that hit the prefrontal cortex of your brain. Now that’s the soft part in your brain, until you’re about your mid–20s, OK? So it’s still developing. And most of us get into sexual sin in our teen years. That’s when we start developing our neuro attachments, and we attach to an object world, instead of relationships. And so what happens is we have this big chemical award, highest chemical award for anything. Boom! You get this in your brain. Now, whatever you’re looking at, real or imaginary, you’re literally glued to, hunger for, crave and will want to repeat. Ring the bell, feed the dog. Ring the bell, feed the dog. You’re actually applying classical conditioning to your sexuality. And you didn’t know it at 12 and 13 and 16 and 19 and 20 and 25 and 30 and 32 and 40 that you were actually gluing to sin. You were actually gluing to lust. You were actually causing your body to want to do what is wrong, connecting to an object world, a fantasy world. And you literally took your body and attached that.
Now when you take that idea, OK – because 1 Corinthians 6:18, when we sin in sex we sin against our body. Now let’s go to James 1:15: first lust, then sin, then death. See lust is a seed. And you and I, we’re just fancy dirt. God made Adam out of dirt. You plant a seed in dirt and you keep watering that seed the seed has its own DNA. The DNA of lust is known, OK? Now what happens is you look at porn and you think ‘OK, forgive me. I got away with it. I don’t have to tell anybody, you know? I’m good Jesus, thank you.’ You keep doing that. And that DNA begins to grow, and it takes a while, sometime a decade, to turn into sin. Adultery, fornication, sex with others, sex services, other behaviors that you might be ashamed of, that you might have done or might be thinking about doing, or want to do, because you’re creating that appetite, through reinforcement.
So the second stage of a known DNA – I’m talking, like if you plant an apple tree. First you got the – you know, the little thing comes up, and that’s the beginning of an apple tree. And then it grows bigger. That’s the next stage of the apple tree. Then you have the fruit. Then you know it’s an apple tree. Well we know exactly the fruit of lust. It’s death. Death is the next stage. And it’s usually another 10, 15, 20 years, divorces, child support, not seeing your kids, your ex–wife hating you, losing your job, ministry, opportunities, years of your life destroyed, economic disaster. That’s the season of death. So that’s what God wants to deliver us from. He doesn’t want us to have any of that, OK? He would rather us have the DNA of love, which walks in rightness. Not perfect rightness, because Christ is perfect, but in a right way wanting to serve God; and having the fruit of life, of peace, health, prosperity, joy, gentleness, kindness, meekness. He wants you to be a fruit so that others can get life from and through you, through the Holy Spirit. That’s His desire. So we cover why, OK? How we get there? We do it a lot to ourselves.
Now how do we get stuck? How do we stay stuck? How is it that we can have the Holy Spirit, the word of God, the fellowship of believers, the most powerful tools on the planet, access in every nation on our cell phone and we can’t stop playing? We can’t stop being inappropriate, sexually. Why is it that we cry out to God again and again and we feel like He doesn’t hear us? We feel like He’s letting us down, or that we’re failing Him. Well [00:25:00] let me tell you, I did the same thing. I was in Bible School. I mean church five days, six days a week. I mean seven services a week. I was memorising Scripture, praying and fasting and crying out to God and saying God, please, I want to be free. I want to stop, OK? And then going right back to it.
What I was doing, I was applying the wrong word, OK? And I cover this in the book Clean
So in James 5:16 it’s: “If we confess our faults one to another, we may be healed and the prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Now the if, is if. So let’s do it in reverse and then come back to the proper way. In reverse, if Doug keeps his secrets to himself he’s guaranteed not to be healed, and his prayers are going to be ineffective. Now how would you like to live that story? Sadly some of you are. Some of – I lived that story for years in Bible School. I couldn’t break this thing to save my life. Until one day I was in my dorm room in seminary and God said, ‘Now every time that you masturbate I want you to tell your roommate.’ I’m like, ‘Jesus, what? Come on, seriously?’ But I had a deal with God. When I got saved, that I would do what he told me to do, and I think that’s how I got the sex job, because no one else was in line. And so He – I did that. I fell and I told my roommate. And man, I felt real small. I mean that’s humiliating. And then maybe a week or so later it happened again and I felt really, really doubly bad. And I think it might have happened one more time, and then I started to get free.
The word of God works. I was confessing my faults to another brother, and I would say to a man, OK? A man needs to be the person you talk to. And once I started to confess my faults, I started to get free. I saw the pain, the humility of that was more painful than the joy of being sexual with myself, and I started to heal because I was applying the word of God.
See, if I was confessing my faults one to another, can healed before, I wasn’t. I was only confessing it to Jesus. Healing is in the body of Christ. It’s in the body. And we want to go to the head, for what He’s provided for in the body. That’s why you have a church fellowship. That’s why you have a pastor. That’s why you have men of God. That’s why you have Impactus men. It’s so you can be accountable and honest. You can say, ‘Hey, this is what’s going on. You know, I go to the store and I check this girl out.’ Or, ‘You know, I’m buying this magazine, or on my phone I don’t have a porn blocker and I just do what I want to do for a half hour and then I repent, and I do that every day.’ There’s no such thing as a secret. God sees you. He sees what’s going on in your heart, your mind, your spirit, and on the internet. There’s no – you don’t get away with anything just because you’re typing it. So we really need to use the word of God if we’re going to get free. There is no other way. I didn’t get free until I started to do that, and because of that I stay free. I’ve been clean for over 34 years now, 34 years, and I still have an accountability partner. And I check with him. And there’s usually nothing really to say. But if there is something, you know, something comes up, I tell him instantly. Something pops up, I call him instantly. Hey, this is what happened. I’m not keeping it on me. And for me, I also tell my wife. I don’t want to keep a secret. Something in appropriate comes across my path, I tell her, OK?
Because I believe confessing your faults you do get healed. I see it in my office all the time. And we have guys who fly in and they do three and five-day intensives for your sexual addiction or intimacy anorexia or marriage, and some of them have secrets and they do a polygraph. And the day after the polygraph they’re new men. They’re like, ‘Man, this is the first day of being clean’. OK, and so that is why a lot of guys, like [revving engine sounds] – they’re stuck for decades. And those chains don’t have to be on your heart, your life, your spirit, your soul or your eyes, OK? And now, pride will keep you stuck, and it takes humility to be honest the first three to five times. After that you get kind of used to it. But it hurts. But it’s better than the regret of not fulfilling your destiny [00:30:00], of the regret of not feeling like, you know, you’re doing everything God has in His heart for you to do. So I really encourage you to do that.
Now, I want to talk about another principle that can be helpful. And please, you know, send some questions. We’re going to get to those. We’ll have Paul come back in a little bit. But I want to talk to you about sexual authority, being under sexual authority. Now this is kind of like – you know, a lot of preachers talk about money and being under authority, and that’s a wonderful thing. You know, if you tithe, you know, God has promises for those who tithe. And I’m a tither. I’m a giver; I tithe and give, OK? And I have seen being under authority financially, the blessings of God are absolutely amazing and wonderful and I’m very blessed to have a supernatural financial life because of what He does in my life, OK? But I’m under authority.
Now sexually, other than myself, I’ve never heard anyone talk about being under sexual authority. I mean, literally being under sexual authority. So let’s go through the three owners of your sexuality. And here’s where you might take notes, because this is going to be funny, but it’s going to be biblical, OK? The first owner of your sex organ, I’m talking about your sex organ: is God. The reference for that, read Romans 12, OK? Your body is a living sacrifice, OK? Your body includes your sex organ. You do not own to you. You are a slave of the Lord Jesus Christ, filled with the Holy Spirit. You are that guy. You don’t get to make decisions about your sexuality. He makes the decisions.
So how do you make that practical? Well I’m glad you asked that question. Here’s the way I make it practical, and I have for over 30 years. When I was in seminary I was going to a church, and I really – God starts showing me some of this stuff. So I went to my pastor and I said to this pastor: “I want to be accountable to you.” So before, and this is really the key word, write that: before. Before I am sexual with myself, before I look at pornography. OK, before I am inappropriate in any way with women, I am going to call you [my pastor].
I’ll never forget my first pastor’s face. He’s, like OK. Like, he was bewildered. And this is, you know, back in the 80’s, OK? And so – I’m sure he was a little confused by that, but it worked. I mean, the minute I got under authority, my temptations ended a lot. I didn’t fight nearly as hard, because I knew I was going to call before. Not ask for grace afterwards. Accountability means you ask before. There are some guys who loosey-goosey accountability and say, “Oh, I’ve got an accountability partner. I ask him forgiveness every time I do something dumb.” But he’s not an accountability partner then, OK? He’s a priest. He’s someone you’re going to ask for forgiveness for because you wanted to sin.
An accountability partner, a man, accountability partner is someone you hold yourself accountable for before you do the sin, and you ask for the supernatural grace of God so that you don’t sin. So if you’re thinking about going to the porn store, if you’re thinking about going on the internet you say, ‘Wait a minute. I said I would call John. I’m going to call John. John, there it is, OK? I’m calling you. I’m thinking about doing this. I know it’s stupid. Go ahead and yell at me, pray for me, but I need to get it out there, confess my faults so that I can be healed.’ And you will not sin.
So here’s the way it works. If you’re on your computer, you’re at the office and you’re bored, which you shouldn’t be if you’re being a good servant, but let’s suppose you are, and you’re like, ‘Hey, I’m going to go on the internet and just kind of – you know, not real bad, just lingerie, bathing suit stuff, you know? You know, stuff – yeah, it’s not that bad.’ OK, if you’re under sexual authority you would right then make a phone call to your pastor and say, ‘Pastor, I’m at the office and I’m thinking about looking at stuff that’s inappropriate, but before I do that I have to ask you permission because my sexuality is under your authority.’ Now how many guys do you think are going to act out after they make that phone call? Almost none. That’s the reason. We don’t teach sexual authority, OK? And some of our people that are in sexual authority don’t have their sexuality under authority, and that’s part of the problem.
Number two – so that’s the first owner of your sex organ, it’s God, and the way you hold yourself accountable is to make yourself accountable to your pastor, or your cell group leader or spiritual – you know, someone over you, in your spiritual community.
Number two, the second owner is your wife. Most of you are married, watching this, and some of you aren’t so it’s your future wife, OK? When you walk down the aisle there’s literally a sex organ title transfer. You actually transfer [00:35:00] the title of your sexuality from God and you to God and her. And that’s why you keep secrets from her, because she actually has authority over your sexuality, OK? Now how do you make that practical? I’ve already told you, OK?
If you’re tempted – OK first you’re – you know you’re going to do your thing on the computer; so then – or your cell phone, because that’s really nice if you don’t have a porn blocker, and it’s really convenient for you to get used to porn that way, OK? So then you would call your pastor and say, ‘You know Pastor Joe, this is what’s going on.’ And then maybe you’re still thinking about it. So then, you call your wife and say, ‘Man, I’m sitting here at the office and I’m really feeling tempted to look at porn and, you know, check out things that don’t look like you, so that I can compare you to them. And you fall short and, you know, when I come home treat you like you’re not good enough. So I was just thinking about doing that. What do you think, wife?’ Yeah, that silence is the best thing that you could hope for. What you will receive is probably mercy and grace, but it may come in the form of aggression, OK; because she’s going to fight for you. She doesn’t want you to fall, OK?
And if you really submit to her, before you do things, you will not do things. You will experience grace and mercy and power. You might get some few questions, but you will not go down the road of sin. You won’t do it. I know. I call my accountability partner. I call my wife and boom. I’m free. I don’t even think about whatever it was I was thinking about, OK?
And then the third owner of your sexuality is you. Now you are the janitor in the corporation. You’re not a CEO. You’re not a manager. You don’t make decisions. You have the bathroom duty only. So if you’re not in the bathroom you are literally outside of your authority. You do not have dominion over your sex organ outside of the bathroom. So a lot of this crazy thinking you’re doing is unnecessary, because you don’t make those decisions.
Could you imagine being the janitor in a large, you know, Fortune 500 company and you’re pushing your little – your broom and your mop and you’re cleaning the floors and you’re thinking about how they should invest their money. And you’re thinking about, you know, how they should build their next building and the new project that they should be working on, and as if you actually have a voice in that. They would lock you up. And that’s how insane this is to the Lord. Why are you thinking about something that’s not yours? Maybe, like thinking about living in a house that you don’t own. And thinking about a car you don’t own. You don’t own it, don’t think about it.
Now the men who actually apply these principles are free. And men will think well, ‘Dr. Weiss, that’s kind of crazy stuff man.’ Yeah, I’m free, OK? Right behind me is proof, 34 years. What I’m telling you works, because I live it and I do it. And I teach men. Tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of men have been set free, because of the principles that I’m teaching you tonight. Many of them have taken the Clean class, at drdougweiss.com/class, free. Africa, Europe, Asia. And they get free because the principles actually work if you do them.
So now let’s get really practical, because we’re going to kind of start to tune this down, but have a porn blocker. If you don’t have a porn blocker go to a website that says porn-blocker, download it on your phone tonight. You need to protect your family, your kids and your wife. Not for them, for you, so that you can protect them. Because you’re going to either protect porn or protect them. You already decided by if you have a porn blocker. You’re a protector. The question is what are you protecting? If you’re protecting your secrets then you’re going to have open access all the time, everywhere. I strongly suggest a porn blocker.
Many people who are watching this have done the Conquer series, and now there’s Warpath, and I strongly recommend you get the Warpath series. It’s very strong. It’s very helpful. And it can help men who’ve been through Conquer one, two, three or four times; it’s the next step. And you can go to drdougweiss.com/warpath. It’ll show you that stuff. That’s great stuff.
Have an accountability partner. Just have another guy, just another brother in the Lord, OK? If you’re in a support group, like a Freedom group of a Clean group or a Lust-Free Living group or something else like that, a Conquer group, whatever, whatever kind of group, if you’re in that then use those guys as your accountability partners. But you need to have a man that you are accountable to. Now you can be – you’re accountable to a man and be honest with your wife. If there’s behavior, you need to be honest with her, OK? Keeping secrets from her – unless she’s, like I just don’t want to know, which is about, 2% of women, OK. But most of them want to know what you’re doing. You know, why you’re driving her car. I mean, that’s her car. It’s not your car. Your sex organ is her car. You should not drive her car without asking permission. You would not go out in the garage and take her car to work without [00:40:00] at least letting her know that there’s a logical reason for you to do that. Neither should you drive your sexuality, that’s not yours, it’s hers, without her permission. So you want to make sure that’s clear.
There is the – there’s an app that you can go on your phone. It’s called GamePlan, or Dr. Doug’s Tips, depending on if it’s transferred over in your country or not. The GamePlan [app], I just put my name in, Douglas Weiss PhD, and you should be able to find that. That’s free, tips every single day, all over the world.
The class we’ve mentioned. And also because it is – like right now, in America, it’s Thanksgiving week, and so this will only last for this week. So if you’re watching this in, like 2025 it doesn’t apply, but if you’re in 2020, in the month of November, there’s 30% off on all of my books. You just have to put in the word HOLIDAY as the code. But that’s only going to work until November 30th, 2020.
But there are tons of resources, tons of resources today for you to be free. There’s tons of podcasts. There’s tons of information. There’s tons of videos. There’s ministries like this that have partnered and put together lots of articles and helpful things. There’s so much on the Impactus website that you could – you could spend hours and hours and days getting stuff on being free and growing spiritually and serving in the church and being a blessing to your family.
So you can be sexually free for an entire lifetime. That is not something that’s arguable. You can be. Now the question is are you willing to do the work to be? And so I’ll let that up to you. Your story’s your story. You can write a hero story. You can write a less than hero story if you want to. But I’m telling you, you have the power of the Holy Spirit. You really can, if you apply some of these principles, be free and actually – I mean here, I’m going to encourage you in another way. Most of the guys I work with, who come in, they fly in for intensives they get free from masturbation, porn, sex outside of marriage. If they are entrepreneurs, business owners or somehow control their income double it in 12 months. So consistently. That’s how much this stuff is weighing you down.
So please, you know, get successful, spiritually, emotionally, with your wife, and also financially. Be a blessing to this ministry, your local church, do that kind of stuff. God wants you to prosper as your soul prospers. And so what we’re talking about is soul prosperity. It is a freedom to know that you’re clean, knowing that you’re hearing, ‘Well done!’ Knowing that you didn’t look back to see what she looked like, because you didn’t need to. So Paul, I’m going to bring you back on. I know you got some questions there that we want to get into, and hopefully that was a blessing to you and your team. What questions have you got?
Paul La Vigne: That was incredible. What a great blessing. I was taking notes like crazy while you were talking there. I love what you said about being under sexual authority. I mean such practical advice.
Doug Weiss: And it works. Most of the pastors over 30 years have said, ‘Doug, can I be accountable to you as well?’ I said, ‘Yeah, absolutely.’
Paul La Vigne: Yeah. Oh, it’s incredible; yeah, just such practical information and so helpful for guys. Before we get into the questions, we’ve got a number of them, they’re great questions, but we have someone that made a comment that says: “Thank you Doug. I saw you 14 years ago for an intensive and I have been sexually clean since that time. And you helped become the man of God, God called me to be.”
Doug Weiss: Well praise God. I’m so proud of you. And it’s just another example. I mean 14 years is a long time, and there’s guys who are struggling this week and they don’t believe that. And so thank you Sean for saying that, and there’s many others. We’ve had lots of Canadians come down to Colorado and get free, so I know that there’s a lot of testimonies out there.
Paul La Vigne: Yeah, we have another gentleman who’s putting the porn blocker on as we speak. He’s doing it –
Doug Weiss: Oh, praise God.
Paul La Vigne: – right now.
Doug Weiss: Thank you for doing that. Thank you. Thank you for doing that.
Paul La Vigne: Absolutely. So, yeah, we’ve got a number of great questions. The first one that we got was – let’s see here. “So in the book Clean
Doug Weiss: Well, texting inappropriately. Getting into bikinis and lingerie ads. The news pages that have breasts hanging out of them and making sure you check into those things. And of course then just the seduction of the internet itself. I mean, every one of us has a porn store in our phone. You know the Scripture talks about a whore that lays down with all nations, in the Book of Revelations. We have a whore that lays down with all nations, and most Christian guys are carrying her in their phone. So that’s how he reduces you. And then you start getting shame and secrets [00:45:00]. And then you’re not honest. Then you start getting kind of this weird creepy feeling and you start shutting down and pulling away. And you pull away from male relationships because you don’t want anyone to find out. So then you get reduced. You get reduced in your – even your ability to dream, like the way that God wants you to dream.
Paul La Vigne: Yeah, well said. Yeah, we’ve got lots of great questions. The next question we’ve got: “So how can I be free from the lies, of having secrets?”
Doug Weiss: Tell your secrets to your pastor. And after you and him talk, then talk to your wife about what’s appropriate and get clean. And then if you lie again repeat, you know? There’s no shortcut. You just have to get honest. And don’t be afraid of the consequences. People respect an honest person. You know, I’ve never had a situation where telling another man, where the man said, ‘Oh my gosh, you’re awful.’ No, he’s, like very generous and gracious, you know? If there’s things that you’re not telling your wife, she might be hurt and mad at you and you, might need some help around that, but I never seen a situation where telling a guy turned into a really negative experience.
Paul La Vigne: That’s great. And, yeah, guys – we have lots of guys watching here tonight. If you’ve got questions please type them in and we’ll get to them. So here is another one. “When is the right time to come clean with your wife about your secrets?”
Doug Weiss: Well, I mean if they’re kind of the smaller kinds, like lust, masturbation, porn, yeah, as soon as possible. She – now I would preface that by saying first of all, you know your wife, you know your marriage. If you feel that you need support, talk to your pastor or counsellor first, and then bring her into that conversation with them, so she can feel supported, OK? Don’t just blaster out at 10 o’clock at night, say I got to get this off my chest and too bad for you, suck it up. Think about the consequences to her. I’m the father of the Partner Betrayal Trauma, and the trauma, Paul, is real. We have statistics about PTSD, depression, weight gain, hormone imbalance in the book Partner Betrayal Trauma
So when you disclose to her, make sure that she has some kind of help. So I would say talk to a counsellor or a pastor first. Get that off your chest. And then strategise when can I do that with her, where she can have the time to process? You know maybe take her to a counselling appointment on Friday afternoon so she has all weekend, because she may or may not like you for a couple days, OK? She might be drawn in to you because you’re honest, but she may not like you. And so – but it’s the beginning of being honest. And so as soon as possible after you, I would say, talk to a man first.
Paul La Vigne: Alright, absolutely. “With the difficulty of staying clean in today’s society, for someone who lives on their own, what is the best advice you could give someone to stay clean, for someone who lives on their own?”
Doug Weiss: It’s no different. I would just call a guy in the morning when you get up. Tell him what your plans are. And I’d probably hit it again at night. If there’s a time when you act out specifically, I would change that cycle of behavior, so that maybe you go to the gym at that time, as opposed to acting out. You might need to take melatonin to go to sleep, so that you’re not, you know, bouncing back and forth and thinking about things and trying to put yourself through – to sleep through masturbation, because that can become a habit that your body gets used to. But there’s no different approaches. You would do that. And it’s not like you have to live alone. You can always get roommates. It’s like – you can make money that way. I mean, these guys are Canadians, right? They should figure this stuff out, right?
Paul La Vigne: Yeah, no question. So you brought up the Scripture of James, and we’ve got someone asking: “What are some other Scriptures that could help a guy struggling with pornography?”
Doug Weiss: “You know, think on these things, that are true lovely” – you know, that whole thing. I’m trying to think of – it’s in Philippines, I think. Or Galatians – is it Galatians 5:16? You know the fruits of the Spirit. You can think of, you know, in Romans, “What should I say? Shall I continue and saying God forbid, you know?” You can memorise some of these Scriptures. They are good. But if you’re going to memorise Scriptures without applying accountability you’re not going to get far. If you decide you’re going to do this all by yourself you’re going to fail all by yourself. You’ll be more spiritual and you’ll fail more spiritually, because spirituality is actually, trusting another man. Do you want to be spiritual? Be authentic with another man. That’s spirituality. Memorising Scripture, I’m all for it, but it is not the way out.
Paul La Vigne: Right. Yeah, biggest challenge that most guys face is just going at it alone and not having those guys in their life that can hold them accountable and that, you know, they can answer to. Another great question: “How do I inspire or pass along these values to my older teen boys, especially if they’re not of the same mindset?”
Doug Weiss: We have a DVD called Born For War, and it’s a lot of these same ideas I talked about: the brain, which – the younger guys get the science piece. They get the neurological conditioning piece really well. We cover the sexual authority piece, some of what we talked about tonight. But it’s really aimed at teenagers. And then also there’s a DVD inside that DVD [00:50:00] for the dad to actually follow through with being the accountability partner through the teen years, until they get married. And my son hated those conversations, but that’s my job as a dad, to make sure you’re doing OK, and ask the questions about pornography and self–behavior, and having that accountability growing up. That’s a template for him when he has a son. And now you’ve changed your whole family tree.
Paul La Vigne: Right, right, yeah. So for a guy who’s really struggling here and trying to break that cycle, what can he do? I mean, he can reach out to you. Obviously come to Dr. Doug Weiss.
Doug Weiss: I would say first call a friend.
Paul La Vigne: Yeah.
Doug Weiss: You know, why spend any money? Because if you can’t be honest with a friend you’re probably not ready for counselling, you know? And if you’ve been sexually abused, abandoned or if you have intimacy anorexia, where you withhold sex from your wife, or you’re living with a wife who’s withholding from you and you’re in pain, intimacy anorexia might be part of this whole problem yes, there is counselling. We have phone counsellors. Then we do intensives. There’s all kinds of things you can do. If you call our office we can even see if there’s someone in your area that’s been trained by me. We have people all over the world. We have several people in Canada who’ve been trained by me, who are excellent. And so there is help. You know, God has a solution. You just have to be willing to do what it takes to get it.
Paul La Vigne: Yeah, no question. Anything else you want to leave with our guys, Doug? I’m not seeing any other questions.
Doug Weiss: I just want to leave them with hope. Hope. You know, so many times when you’re in the middle of this you feel hopeless, because you keep trying all by yourself. Don’t try by yourself. Get others in the battle with you. That’s what wars are for. No war is won by one man. Wars are won by teams. And so start considering yourself and get a platoon around you. And if you don’t have one make one, OK? This is – this can be done. And I just want to encourage you guys, it’s worth doing. It’s worth being free. It’s worth being able to love with a pure heart and to love your wife and to feel her love. It’s worth looking at her every night and knowing that she’s the one, and looking at your children having integrity. That, you know, I don’t go to that movie either because it’s inappropriate. I’m walking this in front of you. So I really encourage guys please, go for it. And if it’s OK with you Paul I just want to pray for them OK?
Paul La Vigne: Please do.
Doug Weiss: So Lord Jesus, I just thank you for the men that are watching this now, and years from now, that You please them, that You encourage them. That they – You give them the gumption to take that, just next step to talk to another guy and get some freedom, get some honesty and start breaking that chain and walk free. Lord, I thank You for the fruit of these men’s lives spiritually, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially. The endeavors you have for them. And that You would bless their journey. And that they will know that – they can hear well done, that you are pleased with them. That the sin doesn’t separate you from them, but you want them to embrace healing, so that they don’t have to have this in their heart and life. They never have to question their walk with you. They never have to question the love of God, in Jesus’ name, Amen.
Paul La Vigne: Amen.
Doug Weiss: Amen. Guys, I’m really proud of you. Paul, thank you for what you’re doing, and I appreciate the ministry. Really believe in the ministry. Now again guys, send money to this place, because they’re changing the world, and I love that. So thank you so much for what you’re doing.
Paul La Vigne: Well thank you, thank you. This has been an incredible blessing, and just such practical information that can really help guys. So guys, as you’ve heard tonight, if you are struggling, reach out to another man and just be open and honest and get transparent. Doug, I want to thank you so much. What a great night. We thank you so much.
Doug Weiss: Alright.
Paul La Vigne: You know, I’m – I just want to thank everyone tonight who has joined us. Everyone who’s been on the live stream tonight thank you so much. Again, thank you Dr. Doug Weiss. If you want more information, if you want to learn more about what Dr. Weiss offers you can go to drdougweiss.com. He’s got all kinds of incredible information and resources. Again, he said 30% of all his books for the month of November [2020], with the code HOLIDAY. And you can reach out to Dr. Weiss, whether through his Facebook [page]. So once again, I want to thank Dr. Weiss for joining us. We did get one other question from one of the guys tonight, asking if we will ever have a Promise Keepers conference again.
To say that today, we certainly hope we will. We are planning to hold conferences in the fall of 2021, but we will see exactly where COVID takes us. We won’t have any for the upcoming spring. But what we are doing is we are holding a virtual conference, the weekend of March 5th and the 6th, and we encourage everybody. You can find out more about that at impactus.org, in our event section. So we are holding a virtual conference the weekend of March 5th and 6th. So check that out at impactus.org. So, again, I want to thank everyone for joining us tonight. It’s been [00:55:00] a real pleasure. Thank you again to Dr. Doug Weiss. And I hope this night was a blessing to you and the information was helpful. So, once again, I want to say thank you. Have a great evening. God bless.
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