The first 12 years of our marriage were happy, at least for me.
But in year 12, I discovered my wife had been accumulating a list of hurts and resentments. One day, she had had enough, and she let me know about them. It took some time and counselling for us to work through these issues.
We’ve been married for 35 years now, and it’s not the only time we’ve hit rough patches.
We’ve been through periods of health struggles, depression, tensions, misunderstandings, difficulties, and parenting challenges. Sometimes it felt like our marriage difficulties were unbearable. I wanted a way out, but there wasn’t one.
It’s not that our marriage has been particularly hard. In fact, I think we have a good marriage. It’s just that life is hard, and so is marriage. Even the best marriages will struggle at least occasionally.
If you’re married, you will hit rough patches. We all think we’re exempt, but we’re not.
If you’re married, you will hit rough patches. We all think we’re exempt, but we’re not.
You’re going to need a strategy to love your wife through the rough patches. It will never be easy, but here are a few biblical principles that have helped me.
Expect Difficulties
When we married, we vowed “to have and to hold, from this day forward; for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death do us part.”
To be honest, I expected the “better, richer, and healthier” options to play out more. I don’t think I’m alone.
Marriage counsellors talk about something called “idealistic distortion,” particularly before and in the early years of marriage. It’s when a person views their relationship unrealistically and overly positively. They think they will escape the problems common to other marriages. This causes them to ignore potential problems and can lead to disappointment and conflict when the problems inevitably come.
The Bible is realistic about the problems we will face in marriage. Marriage is good, but a married man “will have trouble in this life,” Paul says, and he will be “concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:28, 33). Marriage is a gift, but a demanding one. It will require you to take on problems that you wouldn’t have if you had remained single.
The Bible is realistic about the problems we will face in marriage.
I’ve found this to be true. I’m glad I married, but I’ve learned that the vows I made mentioned the “worse, poorer, and sicker” times as well as the good ones. When you hit a rough patch, don’t be surprised. It’s completely normal. It’s part of what it means to be married.
Get Comfortable Being Naked
As a kid, I used to snicker at Genesis 2:25: “Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.”
I don’t snicker anymore.
I don’t think Genesis is only talking about physical nakedness. It’s talking about something much more. It means a sense of safety in the presence of the other, with nothing to hide. One scholar writes, “There was between them an openness and a unity, not masked by guilt, not disordered by lust, not hampered by shame.”[1]
Unfortunately, Genesis 2:25 describes life before the Fall, when it was possible to be vulnerable and unashamed without risk. Sin has now entered the world, and we rarely experience this openness anymore.
Part of marriage is that you just can’t hide the things that you might want to hide. Your wife will get to know you better than anyone else, including both the good and the bad.
This will occasionally lead to shame and embarrassment. This gets even worse in the rough patches. It’s tempting to try to hide rather than face the vulnerability that comes with being completely naked with another, especially when life is hard.
Don’t.
Refuse to hide, and commit to working back to the safety God intended for us to enjoy within marriage.
I saw a post on social media that I found insightful (a rare occurrence!). It said, “Marriage will reveal every single bit of unfinished business you have. Emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. If you’re not ready to be in the dojo of personal development in the pursuit of the most rewarding dynamic in life, don’t get married.”[2]
That’s good advice. Marriage reveals us at our best and our worst, and if we’re going to survive marriage, men need to get used to being exposed and vulnerable, especially when we’re tempted to hide.
Set a Limit on Your Love
One of the most important things you can do as a husband is to set a limit on your love.
Yes, you read that right. You need limits on your love.
It’s just important that you set the right one.
So, what limit should you set in your marriage? Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Husbands, you never have to love your wife more than Christ loved the church. How much did Christ love the church? He gave up His life for her. When you’ve done the same for your wife, you can stop. As my wife sometimes tells me, “You’re not dead yet. Keep loving!”
That’s the standard for us as we experience the inevitable rough patches of marriage.
Don’t be surprised. Work on getting comfortable with being more vulnerable and exposed than in any other relationship you’ve ever had, and refuse to hide. And then keep loving as extravagantly as Jesus loved the church. Stop when you’ve died for your wife.
The rough patches will come, and they will be hard. These principles may not always make it easier, but they will remind you of what God expects from you as a man until, as they usually do, the rough patch ends.
[1] David Atkinson, The Message of Genesis 1–11: The Dawn of Creation, ed. J. A. Motyer and Derek Tidball, The Bible Speaks Today (England: Inter-Varsity Press, 1990), 79.
[2] https://www.threads.com/@the.willetts/post/DQpg_6iklJY
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