So, you want to have great sex in your marriage?
Fortunately, God wants that, too.
But what even is “great sex”? And how do we get it?
Is it wild and sweaty or predictable and routine?
Should it come easy and often?
In a hyper-sexualized world with pornified messaging about sex, we are often ill-equipped when it comes to what “great sex” looks like.
Early sexual experiences have a significant role in shaping our cravings.
Our introduction to sex may be through porn, dating relationships, ungodly influences, or even sexual abuse. Our brains essentially take a snapshot of that initial messaging and create cravings to either recreate the pleasure of it or run from the pain.
One man said he expected that sex would be just like the porn his parents showed him as a child. When his wife didn’t meet his unrealistic expectations, he became unhappy and had an affair in an attempt to satisfy his cravings.
He said, “Here I am at 38 years old, trying to learn what healthy sex actually is.”
I’ve heard that same statement from men in their 20s, 40s, and 60s.
Consider this: If you had only ever learned about sex from the Bible and godly counsel, what would your thoughts towards it be?
How have porn, your experiences, and the world’s messaging impacted your beliefs about sex?
Great sex in marriage is the culmination of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy unifying the spirit, soul, and body of two spouses in a marriage covenant (Genesis 2:24). This is best achieved when each spouse seeks to glorify God and serve the other, rather than pursuing sex for their own pleasure.
Before the Fall, Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
After Adam and Eve both turned to sin, they covered themselves up, putting a barrier not only between them and God, but between each other as well (Genesis 3:7).
As God covered them with His grace, they came back together.
Genesis 4:1 says, “Adam knew his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, ‘With the help of the Lord, I have brought forth a man.’”
The first thing we see Adam and Eve do after they and the world fell into the brokenness of sin is that they came together and had sex. Great sex in marriage must be important in God’s eyes!
Let’s learn from the above verse:
1) Great sex requires grace and intimacy, even after mistakes.
Forgiveness and healing are keys to great sex in a marriage.
Our approach to sex can be negatively affected by various things, like past wounds, insecurities about our bodies or performance, marital difficulties, or frustration towards our spouse relating to her sexual preferences or the frequency of sex (or lack thereof).
Whatever the issue is that affects our sex life, receiving and extending God’s grace for ourselves and our spouse will not only benefit the marriage, but will honour God as well. Dealing with the various issues of marriage in an open, trusting, and redemptive way will inevitably help bring greater intimacy in all areas, including our sex lives.
2) Great sex is a deep “knowing” of each other.
Rather than calling it intercourse, Scripture says Adam and Eve “knew” each other.
Do you know what makes your wife feel loved? Do you know what she enjoys when it comes to physical touch and sexual pleasure? Do you pray with and for your spouse regularly?
It’s natural as broken human beings to think primarily about our own pleasure. However, if you and your wife both know and prioritize serving each other, sex is going to be much more spiritually unifying, emotionally satisfying, and physically pleasurable for both.
Exploring new and varied sexual activities in marriage can be a fun way to get to know each other on a deeper level. Throughout the years of marriage, preferences and desires can change, which provides an open door to pursue and know your wife continually.
3) Great sex includes God in your sex life.
Eve says: “With the help of the Lord, I have brought forth a man.”
As funny as it may sound, God wants to be involved in your sex life. He wants to guide you in loving your spouse, healing your intimacy, and enabling your bodies to be able to experience pleasure. He even designed the clitoris on a woman for no other purpose other than for her to have pleasure!
1 Corinthians 6 speaks to giving glory to God with our bodies related to sexuality. After this, 1 Corinthians 7 speaks to spouses serving each other sexually.
Glorifying God with our bodies and our sexuality is a vital foundation for having healthy sexual relations in marriage. This is, in part, why giving in to porn and masturbation is so harmful to our sexual intimacy. They are sexual outlets that fall outside of honouring both God and our wives.
If things are coming to mind that interfere with your sex life, having an intentional and open conversation with your wife can be healing to your marriage and your sex life.
I pray that no matter your past, your marriage bed will be undefiled and a place of love, unity, and pleasure in your marriage. Great sex is possible, and worth the pursuit.
- To receive support for a porn addiction, sexual abuse, or sexual betrayal in marriage, schedule a free call with a Restored Ministries coach.
- Get 14 days of email guidance on understanding your sexual story. Sign up for free here.
- Heal your heart from past wounds with a 5-session video series called Let’s Heal Your Heart.