I saw a social media post once that still makes me chuckle, which said:
“Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close guy friends in His 30’s.”
When I was a kid, friendship was pretty easy.
In the younger grades, I don’t remember ever having to “try” and make friends. I wasn’t the most popular kid in school, but I always had a good group of guys that I could connect with, and friendship just sort of “happened.”
Now school is a distant memory, and my schedule is packed with a full-time job, marriage, kids, responsibilities, chores, etc.
I don’t remember when it happened, and I certainly don’t know how, but somewhere along the way in my adult years, I realized that male friendships don’t just “happen” in the same way anymore.
We know friendship is so important to our social, mental, emotional, and, yes, even spiritual health. Men need other men in their lives. Our spouses, family members, and work colleagues all help, but every man also needs some guy buddies to connect with.
We need brothers-from-other-mothers who can strengthen us, encourage us, speak life to us, sharpen us, laugh with us, challenge us, and walk with us through adversity (e.g., 1 Samuel 20:1-42; Proverbs 17:17; Proverbs 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; etc.).
Having these friendships isn’t optional; they are necessary for our well-being.
I don’t think many guys will argue with me so far.
But from my time working at Impactus and previously as a pastor, I can confidently say that finding and growing male friendships can be a significant challenge for many guys.
We all know we “should,” and we all see the value. But life happens, and these crucial connections are often put on the back burner.
But to grow in Christian maturity, we must be men of intentionality.
To that end, here are 5 tips to help us build guy friendships:
1. Pray!
Alright, so this one is a gimme, but even so, a lot of us skip this part! If we have any problem, we start off by going to the One who invites us to bring all our cares to Him (Psalm 55:22; 1 Peter 5:7)—including helping us grow in this area.
2. Go where the guys are.
Does that sound weird?
We used to say that about girls back in the day!
If you wanted to meet a nice girl, you went where the girls were. Join a club, head to the mall, go to a party—that’s what we used to do! There wouldn’t be much chance of meeting someone if you just stayed home all the time.
Now, take the girls out of it and apply the same principle to guy friendships. If we want to build friendships with other men, how are we going to do that sitting by ourselves?
Where do guys hang out?
This is where the Church is super helpful because, no doubt, there are men at church; we already have our faith in common, and church is a social place. Is there a men’s group to join? Is there a place to serve? Is there a social gathering to attend? Find a place where you can connect.
3. Take a first step.
When I was a pastor, one common complaint I would hear from new congregants was, “It’s hard to make friends here; no one really talks to us.”
My response was always, “Well, are you talking to them?”
The answer was usually “no,” and I encouraged the newcomers that, while it is certainly daunting to create social relationships at a new church, the most well-connected members of the church are the ones who connect themselves.
It’s easier to sit back and hope someone else will initiate, but it’s more mature to be a man who takes a first step and initiates himself.
If that’s challenging, you can literally Google things like, “how to make small talk” and “good questions to break the ice.” With practice, any one of us can become a man who can strike up a conversation with anybody. Be brave (Joshua 1:9), go up to someone, and start a conversation. No friendship has ever existed that didn’t start with an initial chat. Be the man to start that chat!
4. Find common ground
The fact is that most of us don’t have a ton in common with most people.
We have beliefs, personality types, interests, hobbies, activities, and other various aspects of ourselves that connect with some other similarly-minded people, but not everyone.
So, we’re trying to find like-minded guys who share some interests with us, whether that be Jesus, sports, business, renovations, food, or anything else.
Bonding over shared interests is an easy way to connect. Find some guys who are into the same things and then use those things as a place to build.
5. Repeat and repeat.
I’ve been trying to get some grass growing in some bare patches in my yard. They are stubbornly resistant, but I keep at it, and slowly but surely, things are changing.
Seed. Water. Wait.
Seed. Water. Wait.
It takes persistence, care, and repetition, but the results are finally coming.
Relationships are often the same way. And we don’t always have the patience to keep trying. And since it requires some vulnerability to pursue friendships, sometimes it feels easier just to throw in the towel.
But as we pray, and as we find places to connect with potential friends, and as we take steps to make those connections, and as we find common areas of interest, then we can add our own persistence to the problem, and trust that God will make things grow in time.
Be a man who is faithful in doing your part. And if you are a man who finds all this more natural, be the man who invites other guys along.
As these things happen, God will join us together, and we will have friendships that deepen and mature and help us in all areas of life.
About
