Every man I know carries this weight.
They don’t typically talk about it. They just carry it around like a hundred-pound vest and get on with life.
The worst part?
They assume they’re alone in this.
You might not be able to name it in your life, but for most of us, it’s a long list of “should-haves.”
“I should have been home more with the kids.”
“I should have held my tongue that night we had a fight.”
“I should have been able to break free from that habit that keeps dragging me back.”
We start to think that we are what we’ve done.
There’s a name for the suitcase full of mistakes we carry and the way it drags us down—it’s called “shame.”
We start to think that we are what we’ve done.
My dad wrestled with shame his entire life. He was a good father, but he started turning to alcohol when life got hard. Every year, he would quit drinking temporarily, only to start back up again when stress began to build.
One summer, he lost his license for drunk driving and had to be driven around by me, his sixteen-year-old son, from job site to job site. Try explaining that to your coworkers.
The worst part was that the shame he felt just fueled the cycle. The worse he felt, the more he had to numb the pain, and the faster he reached for a bottle.
Your story may be different, but we all have one, and most men have no idea how to get free.
The good news is that there is a way out! But first, we must understand two things: how God works, and who God says you are. One will help you identify your misplaced shame, and the other will set you free from it.
1. Learn the difference between “conviction” and “condemnation.”
The most dangerous lies are always half-true—that’s what makes them so hard to spot. Many Christians grew up in a guilt-based religion and were taught that you should feel bad when you mess up, but there’s much more to the story.
To overcome shame, we must learn to identify it. That means learning the difference between “conviction” and “condemnation.” When you feel the weight of your sin, it is inevitably one of these two feelings.
“Conviction” is the work of the Holy Spirit (John 16:8). It is a check in your soul meant to restore you. Conviction is given with pinpoint accuracy, like an arrow hitting a bullseye where God shows you exactly what you need to make right. The telltale sign of conviction is that it vanishes once you call it out and repent.
“Condemnation” is another animal altogether. Condemnation is the work of the enemy, meant to destroy you (John 10:10). When you’re under its weight, it feels like you got slimed. Even when you confess it to the Lord, you still feel covered in it. That weight—that shame—cripples us like it did my father. It causes us to run from God, not towards him.
King David beautifully models the difference in Psalm 51:1-19, where he knows he has done wrong and doesn’t hesitate to own his sin.
He says, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me” (Psalm 51:3). That is conviction. Clear, Spirit-driven, pinpointed accuracy meant to spark some kind of repentance.
But once he brings it before God, he can let it go. He says God will “wash me, and I will be whiter than snow” (Psalm 51:7). That’s how it works.
The next time you have a flashback of your own mistakes, or you feel the weight of the ways you don’t measure up, ask yourself three questions:
- Is it clear?
- Does it move me towards God?
- Does it go away after I confess it?
If the answer is “no” to any of those questions, it’s not conviction—it’s condemnation. It’s not God’s voice you’re hearing, but the enemy’s. In that case, tell him to take a hike and don’t listen to another word.
2) Start with who you are instead of who you’re not.
Do you remember the words God spoke over Jesus when He was baptized?
“This is my Son, whom I love, and in whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17).
At this point, Jesus had accomplished nothing yet. Earned nothing. So far, there were no healings, no sermons, no dead men walking or midnight strolls on the sea.
Yet, as Jesus rose from the water, God just thunders these incredible words of identity.
Jesus started His ministry knowing who He was, and everything He did flowed from that understanding.
Instead of starting your day with swirling thoughts of who you’re not, start with a list of who you are (here are just a few!):
- Alive in Jesus (Ephesians 2:5)
- Deeply loved (1 John 3:1)
- Set free (Romans 8:2)
- Chosen (1 Peter. 2:9)
- Full of power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7)
- Filled with the peace of God and the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5; 4:7)
- Able to do all things in Christ who gives you strength! (Philippians 4:13)
For years, I began my day with a list like this (Google “Who I am in Christ” to find similar biblical lists). It profoundly removed the shame I was tempted to carry.
We need to eliminate the idea that God doesn’t really love us. We assume God couldn’t love the broken person we currently are, who still struggles with that sin, but maybe He might love some future version of us that finally gets our stuff together.
But know this, brother: He loves you now!
Remember, if you have given your life to Him, you are already a son of the Living God, and He loves you more than you could possibly know. Not because of what you’ve done, but because of what Jesus already did for you!
Remember, if you have given your life to Him, you are already a son of the Living God, and He loves you more than you could possibly know.
When God sees you, He sees Jesus (Colossians 3:3). Jesus’ perfect righteousness. Jesus’s perfect obedience. Jesus’s white robes and unstained garments. You get to wear Jesus’ perfection like spiritual armor against the accusations of the enemy.
So, start your day with who you are, instead of who you’re not. Once you know who you are, it is infinitely easier to act like it.
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