In my research on the topic of loneliness among men, I came across the story of a woman who moved from making racy content on OnlyFans to making six times those earnings by reading bedtime stories to men on livestream to help them deal with their loneliness.
For obvious reasons, I wouldn’t recommend Googling her, but I bring up this unusual story to highlight the reality that the much-discussed male loneliness epidemic is more than just statistics.
The severity of loneliness in men can be so intense that they’ll do whatever it takes to relieve their pain.
I don’t bring up this story to induce condemnation, shame, or ridicule. The reality, though, is that many men are hurting, desperate, and ashamed to admit to people in their lives that they’re lonely. They go into hiding and find relief in places they shouldn’t.
So, why exactly do so many men struggle with this feeling, and what does Scripture have to tell us about the solution?
Many men are hurting, desperate, and ashamed to admit to people in their lives that they’re lonely. They go into hiding and find relief in places they shouldn’t.
What is Loneliness?
A 2025 article published in the Journal of Contextual Behavioural Science synthesizes psychological research over the past three decades to answer the question of what makes men lonely.
Neilson and Maitland, from the University of Missouri, define loneliness as the feeling that emerges when there is a discrepancy between actual and desired levels of social connection.
Research from recent decades provides support for the idea that loneliness has become a pervasive public health concern, particularly among men.
Neilson and Maitland, from the University of Missouri, define loneliness as the feeling that emerges when there is a discrepancy between actual and desired levels of social connection.
For example, a 2014 national Australian survey found that 37% of men experience loneliness and dissatisfaction with the quality of their friendships, even if they have a network of friends and family. The same survey found that a third of men desire more emotionally open friendships, but two-thirds of them rarely express this desire and struggle to initiate them.
Evidently, there’s a gap between men’s recognition of their loneliness and their willingness to articulate it and do something about it.
What’s going on here?
Why Are Men So Lonely?
A key variable in the pain of loneliness is a lack of—brace yourself—intimacy.
I recognize this may be an uncomfortable word for some of us, but let’s look at it from an objective, psychological perspective.
Neilson and Maitland define intimacy broadly as the meaningful connection between two people.
More specifically, intimacy is characterized by reciprocal feelings of trust, emotional closeness, and the open communication of feelings and thoughts.
Neilson and Maitland define intimacy broadly as the meaningful connection between two people.
As men, many of us struggle to cultivate intimacy in any arena of our lives (i.e., family, wives, friends) because it requires vulnerability, which, if we’re honest, is quite antithetical to what the world has taught us about masculinity. Or at least, “traditional” masculinity.
Valuing relationships, emotional expressiveness, support seeking, and the pursuit of intimacy are often seen as “feminine” traits.
On the other hand, valuing independence, dominance, career success, physical strength, and emotional stoicism is traditionally seen as “masculine.”
The data suggest that conformity to these traditional masculine ideologies has been associated with lower levels of friendship and lower romantic relationship quality.
Now, I fully recognize that society has swung violently in the opposite direction in recent years, with masculinity becoming something that the world has almost demonized.
As disciples of Jesus, we are right to want to see masculinity celebrated again in our culture. However, it’s important for us to distinguish between traditional notions of masculinity and biblical masculinity.
Neilson and Maitland may be right—the pursuit of traditional, North American masculinity may very well explain why so many men today are lonely, but we can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Is Biblical Masculinity the Remedy to Loneliness?
In John 14:6, Jesus says, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.” Evidently, the pursuit of biblical masculinity—fully displayed in the perfect man, Jesus—is the path to the fullness of life, connection, and intimacy.
That is, of course, not to say that Jesus’ life was free of loneliness.
His loneliness in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross was heartbreaking. Isaiah 53:4 tells us that He took up our pain and bore our suffering for our peace and healing. Even in the depth of our loneliness, we can find fellowship with Him in His suffering (Philippians 3:10).
Yet, there’s a way of doing life that Jesus demonstrates, alongside the stories of other biblical men like David, that’s filled with connection and intimacy, both with the Father and with others He’s brought into our lives.
Jesus and other exemplary men in the Bible, like David and Paul, valued the strength, leadership, and toughness that traditional masculinity endorses; however, they also valued emotional expression, relationships, support-seeking, intimacy, and vulnerability—all traits that tend to be associated with femininity in Western society.
Just look at David’s deeply emotional writing throughout the book of Psalms, for example. Or consider his intimate brotherhood with his best friend Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1). Think also about the intimacy between Jesus and John (John 13:23).
How do we, as biblical men, build this intimacy that dissolves loneliness in our lives?
Building Intimacy
Neilson and Maitland propose a three-step, bidirectional process for building intimacy, called the Interpersonal Process Model of Intimacy.
First, we must engage in vulnerable self-disclosure, taking the risk of sharing our weaknesses, challenges, and pain with God and others.
Then, we need others to be responsive to our disclosure, demonstrating genuineness and care by offering reflective comments to validate what we’re saying and asking questions that prompt us to share more.
Finally, we need to perceive the other person as trustworthy, that we are genuinely cared for, and won’t be punished for our weakness.
Cultivating intimacy through these three steps requires a process of both learning new ways of relating (e.g., validation) and unlearning patterns of communication (e.g., judgment) that inhibit the development of intimacy.
Ultimately, men can apply this concept in our relationship both with God and with others to develop the authentic relational intimacy that we all crave.
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