When Father’s Day Is Hard To Celebrate

In Articles, Family, Father, Grief and Loss, Life Issues by Nick Helliwell

I have two sons.

I don’t read the newspaper much anymore, but the other day a story caught my eye. The story was about a man who had been arrested for multiple serious charges and was now in custody. These stories are always written to imply our city is safer now that this dangerous criminal has been caught.

But there, in black and white, was my son’s name.

He has an older brother who has had some problems lately. He moved back home for a while but had to check into the hospital when it became obvious that caring for him was way above our heads. Of course, I can’t visit him these days, but I got news from the hospital recently.

Turns out he needs a heart transplant.

As I receive this news, my gaze is on the bookshelf in my office. I pull out my Bible and thumb through its pages. I am looking for something – anything – to draw some strength of faith from. Absently I flip from this book to that, and read a few familiar verses, until I stop to discover I am crying. Crying for my two sons, a thousand questions running through my head: Where did I go wrong? Too strict? Not strict enough?

Did I affirm them as my sons? Did I tell them I love them? Do they know I am proud of them?

When You Feel Like a Failure

Do you know the three blessings of fatherhood? I followed the formula. I applied all the principles and did all the steps. I prayed for them, blessed them, hugged them, firm but fair, forgiving, tough love and all of that. All the men’s conferences I went to, the books I’ve read, the programs I’ve done… What went wrong? Where did I fail?

Obviously, my two sons won’t be home for Father’s Day, and I won’t be able to visit them. Either of them. One in the hospital and one in jail. These two are not my only children, but they are the ones who will be on my heart and mind the most this Father’s Day.

Whether your kids are young or grown, near or far, I’m sure every man wants to be the hero of the story on Father’s Day. But sometimes, a man faces a day where stark reality causes him to question the job he’s done as a father.

Whether your kids are young or grown, near or far, I’m sure every man wants to be the hero of the story on Father’s Day. But sometimes, a man faces a day where stark reality causes him to question the job he’s done as a father.

I wish Father’s Day was all hugs and kisses and laughter. But it’s not. At times like these, when the storms of life are blowing hard, and the clouds of doubt are growing ever darker – when your strength ebbs low, and faith is hard to find – this is when you are faced with the true measure of yourself as a man and as a father.

Like a lot of men, my go-to place, when I need strength at times like these, is anger. I must push myself through. I must be strong. I will not cave in, I will not falter, I will not fail. And that is when the enemy has us in his territory. That is when he takes advantage. That is when he launches his full-frontal attack.

I blame. I blame God, I blame my sons, I blame my wife. I blame myself. But I also excuse myself. I want to fight. I want to punch somebody in the face. I want to shake up those doctors, those policemen who arrested my son. I want to yell at God, “YOU PROMISED ME! You expect me to do YOUR will?”

I find myself reading 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 where it lists the exploits of some of David’s mighty men. Men who won amazing victories, while others fled. Men who fought the fight that caused others to run. Men who stood their ground. It’s heady stuff, but what went through their minds as they were fighting? What made them even think that they could stand their ground? Were they aware that the retreat had been sounded? Did they know they were alone?

Or consider Peter, the fisherman, familiar with the storms of Galilee, who very likely had watched boats capsize and could remember the faces of men lost to the tumultuous waves. What makes a man even think he can step out of the boat? Did he think, “This is the craziest thing I have ever done!” even cross his mind?

Where does a man get strength like that?

You Do Not Have What It Takes

The fact is, men, that you don’t. It has to be given to you. Oh sure, you can be trained to fight and fight well. But you will never be able to fight hard enough, long enough, fierce enough to cause the demonic forces arrayed against you to back off.

You can be taught how to walk in faith, but the measure of faith given to you is fixed. No amount of Bible memorization, tithes, offerings, or good works will gain you even one more ounce of faith. You can read and learn all you want about grace, but there is no workout, study, or self-discipline that will pump up the amount of grace you need.

The grace you have been given is sufficient. The faith that you have can move mountains. The strength that you need will be there when you need it.

..If… (BIG if)…

  • If you will love mercy, seek justice and walk humbly with your God.
  • If you will lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways, acknowledge Him.
  • If you will humble yourself and pray.
  • If you will seek His face and turn from your wicked ways.
  • If you will love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength…

If you were looking for a formula, a program, or x number of steps – too bad, cause there ain’t any.

The battle really does belong to the Lord. While you are struggling to find enough in you to fight the battle just one more day, God is fighting the battle for you, even in spite of you. He will win the day, not you. At the end of it all, when people say, “How on earth did you…” – you will quite honestly say, I didn’t. I don’t even know how, but God…

Your story of valor will be told. But you won’t be the hero of that story. He will. When He gathers all his mighty men together, the one thing they all will say is: “Salvation and glory and power belong to our God.”

Whatever your Father’s Day looks like, take a moment and freely admit it. You do not have what it takes. Quit trying to be the hero of the story. And, regarding your children, as for the line that says, “There are no guarantees” – that’s a lie.

God made a promise.

About
Nick Helliwell
Nick Helliwell is an adopted father, foster father, spiritual father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and mentor of numerous progeny. He adores his wife and has spent some time being the men’s pastor of Healing Hearts Ministry in North Central Regina.
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Nick Helliwell
Nick Helliwell is an adopted father, foster father, spiritual father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and mentor of numerous progeny. He adores his wife and has spent some time being the men’s pastor of Healing Hearts Ministry in North Central Regina.