“Sex is dirty, gross, and shameful—save it for someone special.”
That was one person’s response when asked to summarize the Christian sex education they received growing up.
Others I interviewed said their sex education could be summed up in three simple words:
Don’t do it.
But the answer I heard most frequently was, “No one talked about it with us at all; sex was a taboo subject.”
That is the legacy we are living with today. Many of us have been deeply malformed by the distorted and conflicted messages we received about sex growing up.
But there is a new reality today for Gen Z (children born after 1995). They are the first generation raised with smartphones and high-speed wireless internet. They have a vast library of information available instantly and effortlessly at their fingertips. When they have a question, they Google it.
And this has become a game changer in sex education.
Consider the following:
The average age of first exposure to online pornography today is 12 years old.[1] By age 18, 63% of girls have viewed porn and 93% of boys. The porn they are watching is nothing like yesterday’s porn.[2] Up to 88% of online pornography today features aggression and violence, mostly against women.[3] A 2024 survey of 5,000 university students showed a rise in “rough sex” among teens and young adults, with 66% of women ages 18-24 reporting violence being used against them during sex.[4]
The study concluded that the appalling has become appealing.
In a similar survey conducted in the United Kingdom, one young woman wrote: “Women have been taught to accept brutality because no one tells them otherwise. As a young woman it took me a long time to work out that I didn’t have to be submissive to violent stuff. I have slept with men who have genuinely not realized they have assaulted me, because thanks to porn, they really believe this is what women want.”[5]
None of this should surprise us when 44% of boys aged 11-14 say pornography gave them ideas about the kind of sex they wanted to try, and 53% of boys and 39% of girls believe that porn is a realistic portrayal of sex.
There can be no doubt about it: porn is the new sex education.[6]
Tragically, this is the world our children are growing up in. When parents are uncomfortable or absent in talking to their kids about sex, smartphones are filling the void of our silence and neglect.
As well, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt describes a direct correlation between the digital revolution and a growing mental health crisis among teens. In his book The Anxious Generation, he writes that the fallout of unlimited screen time can no longer be ignored.[7]
When parents are uncomfortable or absent in talking to their kids about sex, smartphones are filling the void of our silence and neglect.
Is this the best men can do? Don’t our children deserve better?
Fathers must take greater responsibility for their children’s online world. Our first response as dads must be to supervise our children’s digital devices. They need us to protect them from the toxic influence of pornography. Fortunately, many parental controls can help us today. We can stay one step ahead of our children by installing safeguards on their devices to protect them.
But as essential as they are, parental controls are not enough.
Our most important task as fathers is to be our children’s primary sex educators.
We have the enormous opportunity and responsibility to form our children’s impressions about healthy and biblical sexuality. Long before online influencers, content creators, and pornographers can distort their minds, we can help them discover God’s beautiful gift.
But this kind of sex education will take willing hearts, courage, and new skills.
We have the enormous opportunity and responsibility to form our children’s impressions about healthy and biblical sexuality.
Many Christians grew up with negative messages about sex. It was a taboo subject, overlayed with shame and stigma. But to become sex educators today, fathers will need to unlearn these false ideas.
The Bible is actually very positive about our sexuality; it is a good and beautiful gift from a good and beautiful God (see The Song of Solomon!). There is nothing shameful or dirty about it. It is meant to be life-giving and enjoyable.
But our children will only learn this about sex if the Bible has reshaped our minds.
Being sex educators will also mean learning how to talk about sex with our children. Sex is an intimate subject, and we are often lost for words. Especially for men, talking about sex can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
But our children are growing up in a hyper-sexualized world where sex can’t be avoided. And so talking about it will require overcoming our own hangups and becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Of course, it will help if we talk about sex earlier in our children’s lives, in age-appropriate ways, well before they reach puberty.
In their early years, as they discover their bodies, we can help them understand the differences between boys and girls. As they grow older, we can gradually introduce them to sexual reproduction and the miracle of birth. And as they enter adolescence, we can help them navigate the world of relationships, sexual attraction, and healthy sexual boundaries.
This will include teaching them about the guardrails God has placed around our sexuality; guardrails that reserve sex for marriage and that prohibit sexual immorality (Matthew 19:3-6; Matthew 5:27-28). There are many tools out there to help us have these conversations.[8]
But there is an even greater opportunity here.
To be good sex educators, fathers must have personal integrity in this area. If we struggle with our own sexual sin and brokenness, if we have rationalized our own porn use, if we have secrets that have never been confessed, our teaching will ring hollow.
As Jesus said, “For it is from within, out of a person’s heart that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person” (Mark 7:21-23).
And as Paul writes to the Colossians, “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed; because of these the wrath of God is coming” (Colossians 3:5).
Perhaps the well-being of our children will motivate us to get our own house in order. This would be a double blessing, both for us and our children!
We owe it to the next generation to help them navigate an increasingly complex and distorted world of sexuality. God has given men both this opportunity and responsibility. Our kids need dads to speak openly about sex so they can make healthy choices and live out God’s ways.
***
On a personal note, I am currently writing a sex education curriculum for parents and another for Christian high schools. These are designed to help parents become more confident and competent as sex educators for our children. If you would like more information, please contact me at davidgdyck@gmail.com.
[1] https://www.albertahealthservices.ca/assets/info/amh/if-amh-ydt-fact-sheet-child-and-youth-problematic-online-pornography.pdf
[2] https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-happens-when-children-are-exposed-to-pornography
[3] https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-promote-sexual-violence/
[4] https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/12/opinion/choking-teen-sex-brain-damage.html
[5] https://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-culture-has-changed-teens-first-sexual-encounters/
[6] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/mar/29/is-pornography-to-blame-for-rise-in-culture#:~:text=Just%20over%20half%20of%20the,them%20ideas%20to%20try%20out
[7] https://jonathanhaidt.com/anxious-generation/
[8] e.g. https://puredesire.org/blog/the-talk-with-young-kids/
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