I hope you have conflict in your ministry to men.
Got your attention yet?
As a fan of the Buffalo Bills, it pains me to say that one of the greatest sports teams of all time was the New England Patriots during the Tom Brady–Bill Belichick era. That team appeared in nine Super Bowls and won six.
Amazing.
I vividly remember a game where things were not going well for the Patriots, and Bill Belichick went up to Brady, grabbed his face mask, and appeared to be saying some less-than-encouraging words to him.
It was striking to see this coach and player in conflict, given their success.
But then I remembered the words from Proverbs 27:17:
“Iron sharpens iron.”
The only way for iron to sharpen iron is for some friction to occur. Conflict can be good if the reason for the conflict and the way you handle it are done well.
You may be someone who enjoys conflict. If that sounds familiar, you should know you are not like most people, and you should be cautious. A love for conflict can easily become a need for dominance and control.
However, most of us fall into danger on the opposite side. We don’t see conflict as godly in any way and it also makes us feel uncomfortable—so we do everything possible to avoid it.
When you avoid conflict, you are creating a culture. I recently had a leader say to me: “What you do and what you allow shapes culture.” Don’t make the mistake of allowing people to do unhealthy and unhelpful things because you don’t want the conflict that comes with a difficult conversation.
The right goal of conflict is not conflict—it is sharpening. Ask yourself how a difficult conversation or teaching can help everyone involved become better men and better leaders.
When your goal is your own interest first, then you have missed the point.
Healthy conflict between a player and coach is when they share the same goal of trying to win a championship and want to help each other be better towards that goal. The same principle holds true when it comes to our spiritual formation and our ministry goals.
When you share the same goal, then you will approach the conflict with humility. You recognize that not only will you be sharpening the other person, but they will also be sharpening you.
Before entering into a difficult conversation or teaching, take the time to do what Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:3-5: look at the beam in your own eye. Be honest enough to admit that you also don’t have everything figured out and you have things that need to be addressed in your own life.
One of the ways this plays out practically is to approach a conversation with questions before comments or accusations. Questions seek to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective knowing that you may not have all of the same information they do. Take the time to ask questions like: “Can you help me understand why you said this or did that? What was your end goal?” This will give you more information so you can then give your input into their decisions and attitudes.
There will be times when the conflict doesn’t end in a good resolution. At best, you will agree to disagree with the other person and at worst, there can be a significant breakdown in the relationship you have with each other.
When this happens, the most important thing you can do is to guard your heart from bitterness and choose to love the other person anyways. Love bears all things and believes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Biblically, the only exception to this is when the conflict is regarding a sin issue that the other person does not want to confess or repent of. In extreme cases, Jesus teaches us in Matthew 18:15-19 there may be times where we have to break off our relationship with the other person.
I do hope you have good conflict in your ministry to men. It means men care about each other and they care about God’s will for their lives. Don’t try to squash conflict; redirect it to something that will result in iron sharpening iron.
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