My son once asked me, “Dad, if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?”
To his surprise, I said, “I wish I would have told someone sooner about the sexual abuse I suffered and endured as a child for three years.”
Kendall wasn’t as surprised by what I said as he was by what I didn’t say. I didn’t tell him I would’ve changed any of the following:
- My father abandoning me when I was two years old
- My mother abusing throughout my childhood years
- His mother divorcing me after my porn addiction and multiple affairs
- Or even the family member abusing me
And when he asked me, “Why not?” I told him, “Because you can’t control the choices and actions of others; however, you can control how you choose to respond to the actions of others.”
Most men who’ve struggled, as I did, with porn and sexual addiction are used to suffering in silence. Our hope is that we’ll be able to eventually strong-will ourselves into resisting and abstaining from acting on every lustful impulse or desire. We will attempt to use porn filters on our computers and cell phones; try bouncing our eyes whenever we see beautiful women; pop rubber bands on our wrist whenever we’re tempted; and need I say, try to read the best blogs or books on the subject, hoping something will miraculously “cure” us of our self-destructive behavior.
Having done all of the above mentioned, as well as attending a recovery group for seven years, completing a 12-step program (four times), and seeking personal and marital counseling for three years, I’m convinced that the most important step in breaking free from porn is one word: Connection.
The truth is, porn and any other addiction is just the opposite of connection. Porn allows us to disconnect from reality, from people, from our pain, our pressures, and our past trauma. Porn allows us to medicate, sedate, and isolate ourselves, and it keeps us from being vulnerable and transparent with the people who matter most to us.
I often say, God will only choose to heal what we reveal, not conceal. Just ask Adam and Eve. And there’s no healing without connection.
Because I chose to hold onto my secrets about the abuse, I was consumed with shame and guilt. I didn’t try to connect with those who mattered most to me; instead, I tried to hide from my pain, suppress my shame, and bury my guilt, hoping no one would ever see the internal and emotional wounds that were eating me alive.
Not only am I convinced that connection is the key to conquering porn or any addiction, I believe it’s also the key to spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Our connection to God, our family, our friends, our “battle buddies,” and those we love, is the healing balm we need for recovery and sustainable victory over porn.
Now, having been porn free for 14 years, I teach the hundreds of men I mentor and coach in our Real Men 300 program (RealMen300.com) that a man is only as strong as the support (connection) he has with other men. Because ultimately, the weight of life, including porn, will always crush a man who tries to bear it alone.
I told my son, if I could go back and talk to 12-year-old me again, I would tell him:
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- “IT’S not your fault.”
- “Tell someone you trust about IT.”
- “Let others help you carry IT…so the healing can begin.”
I’m asking you now to do the same.
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