Have you ever caught yourself snapping at your kids after a rough day at work?
Or found yourself pulling back emotionally from your spouse because of a fight you had a while back?
Maybe you have avoided close friendships because of trust that was broken in the past.
Or you shut down emotionally when conflict arises, because past arguments still echo in your mind.
Sometimes men bury themselves in work, hobbies, or even ministry to avoid the places where old wounds still sting. Other times, we lash out in sarcasm or become overly critical of others, not realizing that what is really surfacing is our own unresolved pain.
The truth is, our wounds do not stay contained. We might think we can manage them privately, but sooner or later, they seep out and touch the people around us.
Men need to become more self-aware, not just for our sakes, but for all those God has called us to love and serve.
The truth is, our wounds do not stay contained. We might think we can manage them privately, but sooner or later, they seep out and touch the people around us.
Struggling Is Real, But It’s No Excuse
Let’s be clear: Life can be deeply painful. Many men still carry wounds from past betrayal, disappointment, loss, or trauma.
But here is where many men stumble: We start to believe that because we have suffered, we are somehow entitled to a free pass on how we treat others.
But my pain is not a license for me to be cold, harsh, or ungracious.
A man might say, “You don’t know what I’ve been through!” as if our wounds justify our anger, withdrawal, or impatience.
But God’s Word does not give us that permission. Brothers, we are called to a higher standard.
Paul (a man acquainted with intense hardship) writes, “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).
He does not add, “…unless you’ve had a rough day.”
The fruit of the Spirit includes self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), and that command applies even when we are hurting. God-fearing men die to self. They do not use their wounds as an excuse to mistreat their wives, children, or others. Grace is not optional because life has been hard.
The Ripple Effect of Unhealed Hurt
Scripture is filled with examples of how unresolved woundedness spills into relationships. Consider King Saul. His insecurity and jealousy over David were rooted in his own fear and spiritual instability. That fear drove him to lash out, not only at David, but at his own family and advisors. Saul’s wounds created a toxic environment that affected everyone around him (see 1 Samuel 18-19).
Our wounds do not need to lead us down that road, but if we are not honest about them, they often will. Wounded pride can lead to defensiveness or withdrawal. Wounded trust can result in suspicion or a need for control. Wounded self-worth can turn into criticism or perfectionism toward others.
The people closest to us often feel the weight of our pain, which we never meant for them to carry.
Avoidance Does Not Work
Some men think the answer is to avoid the pain. Stuff it down. Pretend it doesn’t matter. Keep busy. Numb it with distractions.
But avoidance never heals wounds. In fact, what we bury eventually comes out in uglier ways. Sarcastic jabs become our way of expressing unspoken anger. Emotional distance slowly starves intimacy in marriage and friendship. Explosive outbursts erupt when unprocessed pain boils over.
Burying pain doesn’t starve it; it feeds it. A buried seed does not die; it grows. When you bury a seed of bitterness, you eventually reap a tree of anger, wrath, cynicism, and broken relationships. What was once a wound becomes deeply rooted, spreading its branches into every corner of your life.
Burying pain doesn’t starve it; it feeds it. A buried seed does not die; it grows.
As Hebrews 12:15 warns, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” The more we try to ignore it, the more room we give it to grow.
Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” What lives in the heart doesn’t stay there. It shapes everything that comes out of us.
Healing begins with honesty. Avoiding the pain may feel like the only option, but real strength is shown when a man is willing to be brave enough to face his wounds.
Sit in the grief.
Name the disappointment.
Acknowledge the anger.
Bring the ugliness to light.
Psalm 34:18 promises, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” He meets us in the pain, but we must invite Him in.
We cannot surrender what we refuse to acknowledge. Healing requires us to bring our pain to Jesus, not bury it. Wise counsel, pastoral care, trusted Christian brothers, perhaps even professional help…these are tools God provides to help us walk through the challenging work of healing.
Jesus put it simply: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
If our hearts store unresolved pain and bitterness, that is exactly what will overflow into our relationships.
Let God Do His Work
The good news is you’re not alone, and your pain does not have to define you.
Maybe you are reading this and realizing that some of your past wounds have been leaking into your marriage, your parenting, your friendships, or even your ministry.
Brother, you are not condemned. Don’t put this off any longer. You are invited. Invited to let God begin or continue His healing work in your life. Invited to let go of the heaviness inside and fall at the Savior’s feet.
Healing is not found in burying our wounds, but in bringing them honestly before the One who can restore us.
As we surrender our pain to Christ, He transforms what once harmed others into a testimony of His redeeming grace.
Healing is not found in burying our wounds, but in bringing them honestly before the One who can restore us.
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