Men are lonely.
We live in the most connected age in human history, and men are lonelier than ever. There are many studies from around the world that back this up. One of those studies shows that only 27% of men say they have six close friends— half of what it was thirty years ago. In addition, 15% of men say they have no close friends.
This reality has both a profound physical and spiritual impact.
Physically, loneliness leads to depression and is also associated with an increased risk of death in men.
Spiritually, loneliness is an attack of the devil to isolate men. The more isolated we are, the easier it is to prevent us from being the men God created us to be.
Loneliness should never exist in the church. Jesus told us in John 13:35 that the world will know we are His disciples by our love for one another. In James 5:16, we are told to confess our sins to one another; in Galatians 6:2, we are told to carry one another’s burdens. Almost the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 12 teaches us how interdependent we are as Christians. None of these passages of Scripture are compatible with loneliness.
And yet, here we are. What can you do to change the story of loneliness in men?
Initiate Friendship
Jesus called His disciples His friends, but their friendship started because Jesus pursued them. He went into their workplace and invited them to follow Him. I know life is busy, but friendships don’t just happen. Take the first steps to invite some men to hang out. As a ministry leader, it is crucial to look for the men who are on the fringe. Who are the guys nobody else is hanging out with? Begin to get to know those men.
Do Something Together
Most men are wired differently than most churches are set up for in creating relationships. We don’t naturally build friendships by sitting in circles and talking. Instead, we tend to develop friendships by doing things together. Whether it’s a men’s small group, a men’s event, or just in personal relationships, doing things together will begin to foster community. Here are a couple of ideas:
- Have fun together! Playing sports, games, or telling stories over coffee. Any of these can create space for men to have fun together.
- Serve together. Find projects or activities where you can recruit men to serve together and watch how their friendships develop. Your church would have no shortage of opportunities for a group of men to work together on something.
The temptation is to remain at this stage. It’s safe and doesn’t require much energy from us. But if we are going to build a community where men carry each other’s burdens or confess sin to each other, we have to push past safety and find true friendship.
Make Vulnerability Normal
This may be the most challenging part, but it is also one of the most essential elements of creating community. For all the openness we have as a culture about mental health, we still live in a reality where many men hide their problems. You can probably identify dozens of reasons why this transparency doesn’t happen, but none make it ok in light of what the Bible teaches us about friendship.
As a leader, you set the pace in normalizing vulnerability. The context of ministry will shape the type of vulnerability that is effective. For example, if you are running a men’s event, imagine having two or three men tell a short story about a recent struggle and how God and other men helped them. If you are in a small group, be honest with what is happening and where you feel challenged. Invite other men to pray for you in your needs.
Make Honesty Ordinary
Vulnerability is required, but so is honesty. True community does not happen when everyone smiles and agrees on everything. We all know we don’t agree on everything, so why are we faking it? Proverbs 27:17 teaches us that iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another. Men need the honesty of other men to challenge and correct them. Real community requires difficult conversations where people share the same ultimate goals. In the Christian community, that goal must be for us to grow in Christlikeness.
You must be willing to have gracious but difficult conversations with other men. When men learn to have honest and respectful discussions, community is built.
Creating community for men is not easy, and it can take a while to build. However, it is one of the most important gifts you can give men and those they love.
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