Let’s face it, conflict in marriage is inevitable and unavoidable. Why? Because simply put, we’re all sinners (Romans 3:23). And when you got married, you married another sinner. So, in essence, all Christian couples are just two sinners learning how to respond to each other in a holy way.
So, allow me to suggest 3 things you should avoid when you get into a “heated fellowship” with your wife.
1. When you get into an argument with your wife, avoid CASTING blame (even if she’s guilty).
Please don’t hear what I’m NOT saying. I’m not saying to ignore your wife’s behavior when she does something wrong. But I am saying to avoid blaming her.
Instead, accept responsibility for your emotions, not her actions. Instead of focusing on what she did, talk about how it made you feel. For example, let’s say your wife refuses to have sex with you or she makes excuses about why she can’t – i.e., she’s exhausted, she has a headache, etc.
Instead of getting angry at her or putting her hormones on trial, try saying something like this:
I could just be getting into my feelings, misinterpreting or misunderstanding the situation, or taking it too personally, but when we didn’t have sex on Saturday…
- I felt like I was being rejected.
- I felt our sex life wasn’t a priority to you.
- I felt like I wasn’t a priority.
You’re not ignoring what she did; you’re only acknowledging how it made you feel. Because the truth is, you can’t control your wife’s actions, but you can control how you respond to her actions, and you can talk about how you FEEL (Matthew 7:4).
The truth is, you can’t control your wife’s actions, but you can control how you respond to her actions.
2. Avoid COMPARING your wife (or your marriage).
In reference to “No Sex Saturday,” resist the urge to say any of the following…
- I never had this problem with my ex-wife when it came to sex.
- I don’t understand. Most women enjoy having sex.
- My friend Joe says he and his wife have sex 100x a week.
Do you see the obvious? I’m comparing her to my ex-wife, other women, and a friend’s wife. Never compare your wife to your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, another woman, someone else’s wife, or even your Mama. Comparing your wife to other women is the equivalent of coveting – which God commands us not to do (Deuteronomy 5:21).
3. Avoid CONDEMNING your wife.
Never condemn your wife over what you’re having an argument about. Again, let’s re-examine our “No Sex Saturday” example. Don’t just avoid comparing her and blaming her; make sure you avoid shaming her as well.
Avoid saying any of the following when you’re arguing…
- I don’t get it. What’s wrong with you?
- You always reject me; always disrespect me; always come up with excuses for not having sex.
- You never want to have sex; never in the mood; never make me a priority.
These are all shaming statements. Avoid extreme “shaming” words like never, always, or “every single time…” We don’t like it when others do it to us, so let’s not do it to our wives.
God commands us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Luke 6:31). So, you don’t want to BLAME, COMPARE, or SHAME your wife during an argument. I know it may be tough talking to your wife about how your feelings, but trust me, it’s a lot better than arguing with her about her actions.