During a 1-hour Facebook Live Q&A event, All About Being a Man, hosted by Impactus | Promise Keepers Canada, Kirk Giles answered some tough questions men are asking.
Here is one of the questions, along with Kirk’s answer:
“I am a gay male, aged 35, who watches porn several times a week, even before and after going to church. I have strong homosexual tendencies and frequently masturbate. If I go to a Promise Keepers conference, sometimes I notice how gorgeous or handsome some guys are, I wish the hot or handsome guy I’m looking at is gay, and my imagination runs wild. How much of a man do you think I can be?” It is essential to recognize that you have to do more talking to God and talking to your wife. And this can be difficult because – let’s be honest – if we know we’re going to raise an issue in our marriage that will create conflict in the conversation, it’s way easier not to bring up the conflict.
I think there might be a chance you feel that you’re alone. There’s certainly not a large percentage of people who claim to go to church and have homosexual or same-sex orientation or same-sex attraction. So, the fact that you’re asking this question, there is a chance you might feel like you’re alone in this.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
Even though you might feel this way, you’re not alone because the question you’re asking is not primarily about being homosexual. I think it has more to do with how we, as men, surrender our sexuality to God. I know you’ve identified this as having strong homosexual tendencies, but I don’t think this is about homosexuality alone. I believe this is actually an issue of being a man -whether you’re homosexual or heterosexual.
Your story can be applied to the heterosexual guy who watches porn several times a week. It can apply to the heterosexual guy who frequently masturbates and notices all the time how gorgeous women are. It can apply to the guy at church who gets distracted by a woman on the worship team or in church hallways.
I also want to be really upfront with where I’m coming from in terms of the Bible and what the scriptures teach. As a ministry, we believe that the Bible teaches that the only form of sexuality that honors God is in the context of a loving covenant marriage relationship between a man and a woman. Everything else outside that relationship is outside of God’s will for the expression of our sexuality.
IT MAY BE AN ADDICTION
Having said this, there are two things I want you to consider for your own life, in answer to your question. First – I say this lovingly and graciously because I think this is not only for you but also for many other men – I want you to consider the potential that you’re a sex addict.
I don’t know you, so I’m not judging you and saying that you are a sex addict, but I want you to at least consider the potential. If anybody came to me and said – “Kirk, I’m watching porn several times a week, and I can’t stop. I watch porn before I go to church, regularly, or after going to church, regularly. I am masturbating all the time.” – those are signs of people who are sex addicts. There is every chance you’re very much addicted to the hormonal high you get from doing these activities.
The Bible teaches us that God doesn’t want us to be addicted to anything, including sex, because ultimately, all of it leaves us empty. Whether it’s alcohol or sex or drugs – we’re trying to fill holes in our lives with things that never ultimately satisfy us. So, just a really practical step is to have a conversation with someone about – Am I actually a sex addict?
I would encourage you to reach out to Dr. Doug Weiss, a Christian counsellor who specializes in sexual addictions. You can contact him through his websites sexaddict.com or drdougweiss.com. Dr. Weiss has had his own battles with pornography addiction but has been free for a couple decades from that. He can help you determine whether this is an addiction and can help you process some of that.
Second, I want to encourage you to read a book written by Sam Allberry called, Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? Sam Allberry is a Christian man who has same-sex attraction. He’s been very open about it, but he has chosen to live a celibate lifestyle. I want to encourage you to check that book out and get a more in-depth picture of what the Bible says about these issues.
You can watch the full Q&A session here. This question and Kirk’s answer can be viewed at 28:55.
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