If you lead a men’s ministry, sooner or later, a man is going to come to you with a problem.
Maybe he catches you after a men’s breakfast and says, “Can I talk to you about something?” Maybe a conversation at a small group suddenly gets much deeper than anyone expected. Maybe you notice that one of the guys has been struggling, and when you check in, the conversation opens a door you weren’t expecting.
The challenge is that you’re probably not a professional counselor.
So what do you do?
You can’t simply ignore it. You shouldn’t minimize it. And you definitely don’t want to misread what is happening and give advice that causes more damage.
I think a helpful way to think about your role is triage.
When someone arrives at a hospital, the person doing triage isn’t usually the specialist who will ultimately treat the problem. Their job is to listen, understand what is happening, determine what kind of help is needed, and get the person to the right place.
That’s a pretty good picture of what a men’s leader can do.
You are often the first person a man trusts enough to talk to. Your role isn’t to fix everything. Your role is to listen, help him identify what is happening, and help him take the next step.
Listen with Empathy
The first thing you need to do is listen.
James gives us some pretty simple wisdom: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19).
That sounds simple, but it can be surprisingly difficult.
Don’t listen so you can respond. Listen so you can learn.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” (James 1:19)
When a man opens up about something painful, our natural tendency can be to jump in with an answer, a Bible verse, a story from our own lives, or some advice we think will solve the problem.
Sometimes we do this because we genuinely want to help. But sometimes our response communicates, “Your problem isn’t that serious.”
A man says, “I was really hurt by my dad growing up.”
And we respond, “Oh, I understand. Let me tell you about my dad…”
Now the conversation has become about us, not about the guy who is opening up. We didn’t mean to do it, but we have minimized his story.
Listening with empathy means meeting a man where he is and recognizing that his pain matters. It means showing genuine concern and compassion. It means acknowledging the courage it can take for a man to actually talk about what is happening inside him.
It means knowing that there is something sacred about openness.
When a man trusts you enough to tell you something he may have never told anyone else, don’t rush past that moment. Treat it with care. You don’t need to have the perfect words.
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can say is, “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that.”
Or simply, “I’m here. Tell me more.”
Galatians 6:2 tells us to “carry each other’s burdens.” Notice that it doesn’t say we have to fix each other’s burdens. Sometimes carrying a burden simply means being willing to stand beside a man while he carries it.
Ask Questions Before Giving Answers
Once you’ve listened, resist the temptation to immediately offer your opinion. This is where good questions become incredibly valuable.
Instead of telling a man what he should do, help him discover what is really happening. Ask, “How does that make you feel?” “What do you think is underneath that?” “What do you think you need right now?” Or, “What are you hoping will happen?”
One of my favorite questions is, “What are you looking for?”
That question can change the entire conversation.
Sometimes a man is looking for closure. Sometimes he needs someone to acknowledge that what happened to him was wrong. Sometimes he needs forgiveness. Sometimes he simply needs to say something out loud that he has been carrying for years.
“What are you looking for?”
And sometimes he really does need more counsel.
But the power of choice must remain in the hands of the person facing the issue. We don’t want to take over their story.
I also love asking, “What would Jesus say to you about this?”
There is something powerful about helping a man step outside his internal narrative and consider what Jesus might actually say to his situation.
We can believe lies about ourselves for so long that we eventually start making agreements with them. “I’m not good enough.” “Nobody really cares about me.” “This is just who I am.”
Sometimes part of helping a man move forward is helping him recognize the difference between what he has come to believe about himself and what God actually says about him.
Romans 12:2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds. Bringing Scripture and the voice of Jesus into the conversation can help a man begin to see his situation through the lens of truth rather than simply through his pain.
Your job as a men’s leader isn’t to become the authority over every area of a man’s life. Your job is to help him discover truth and take the next faithful step.
Get Them On a Journey
I use that word intentionally: journey.
We shouldn’t always see someone’s struggle as a problem to be fixed as quickly as possible. Some things are a road that needs to be traveled.
Healing is a journey. Forgiveness is a journey. Freedom is a journey.
Those journeys often involve daily practices of confession, prayer, Scripture meditation, community, and obedience.
Sometimes the next step is another conversation with you. Sometimes it is getting connected with a small group. Sometimes it means finding a pastor, a professional therapist, or a counselor who has the training to help with something that is beyond your ability.
There is no shame in needing specialized help.
Remember the triage analogy. If you were dealing with a serious medical issue, you wouldn’t expect the person at the front desk to perform surgery. Their job is to recognize what is needed and help you get there.
The same is true in men’s ministry.
You don’t have to be the therapist. You don’t have to have all the answers. And you certainly don’t have to fix the man standing in front of you.
One of the greatest things you can do is simply become his person on the journey.
Check in. Send the text. Ask how he’s doing. Pray with him. Encourage him. Remind him of what is true when he forgets. Celebrate the small victories. And watch him grow.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 reminds us that two are better than one because when one falls, the other can help him up. We were never designed to walk alone.
One of the greatest things you can do is simply become his person on the journey.
So when the next guy pulls you aside and says, “Can I talk to you about something?”, don’t panic because you aren’t a professional counselor.
Listen.
Ask good questions.
Bring Jesus into the conversation.
Help him identify his next step.
And when he needs more help, help him find it.
You don’t have to fix his life; you just have to be willing to walk with him.
Sometimes the most powerful ministry we can offer a man isn’t having the right answer. It’s letting him know, “You don’t have to walk through this alone.”
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