Maybe you’ve heard this one?
“Why did it take 40 years for the Israelites to wander in the desert?”
“Because Moses refused to stop and ask for directions!”
From driving directions to ignoring instructions for the newest furniture assembly, the stereotypes may not be fair, but there might be some truth to the idea that men can be reluctant to ask for help.
The consequences of not asking for help can be serious. Consider these facts:
- 1 million men in Canada suffer from major depression.
- Men make up about 75% of suicide deaths in Canada.
- Canadian men are much less likely than women to seek mental health support, with only 30% of users of mental health services being men.
Resistance to asking for help isn’t harmless. It has tangible spiritual, relational, and physical impacts.
The Canadian Centre for Suicide Prevention states that:
“Boys are often told not to cry, and men are told to ‘suck it up’ and ‘take it like a man’ when dealing with life’s pressures. Toughness and stoicism are expected; emotional vulnerability is seen as a blemish on their manhood. These expectations may discourage men from seeking help when they encounter mental health adversities and instead drive them to destructive coping strategies.” [1]
Resistance to asking for help isn’t harmless. It has tangible spiritual, relational, and physical impacts.
There are many reasons why men are hesitant to ask for help, including:
- Cultural Expectations: The myth of “self-made man” in Western culture persists, and suppressing emotions is often seen as a sign of “real manhood.” Men tend to avoid showing any signs of weakness or incompetence.
- Social Norms: Boys and men are often discouraged from showing vulnerability and instead expected to adhere to the silent, limiting standards of “manning up” or “just being a man.”
- False Narratives: Men often grapple with overwhelming voices of shame, fear of failure, and the misconception that asking for help is a sign of weakness, especially since they are “supposed” to be providers, protectors, and problem-solvers.
- Past Experiences: Some men become incapacitated, unsure of where or how to begin asking for help due to feelings of shame, unworthiness, or previous attempts that seemed futile. A past negative experience or the fear of a negative outcome can leave a man feeling stuck.
But instead of listening to the voices of culture or the voices that tell us to stay shut off from the help we need, there is a better alternative.
When we listen to the voice of God, the promises of His Word, and the good counsel of trusted individuals, it can open the door to hope and help.
God’s Word reminds us:
- We are made for interdependence. In Genesis 2:18, God declared, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” While referring to the eventual creation of Eve, this truth remains relevant for all men today. Creation affirms our need for relationships, not rugged independence, but an interdependence that cares for, supports, and encourages one another.
- We follow Christ as our example. Jesus valued connection and support. His ministry was characterized by inviting others to join Him in His mission. When in the Garden of Gethsemane, He pleads with His Father for relief (Matthew 26:36-38). Even the Son of God was willing to accept help.
- We are called to mutuality. The actions and writings of the early church demonstrated interdependence, community, and helping one another. We are reminded to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2), “confess your sins and pray for one another” (James 5:16), and that spiritual gifts are given “…so we can help each other” (1 Corinthians 12:7). There is no place for self-sufficiency or self-reliance in the Body of Christ.
- We can redefine weakness. Paul turned the idea of weakness upside down. For Paul, weakness wasn’t just something he was willing to share; it was something he boasted in. He understood that Christ’s power would be perfected in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Vulnerability becomes the foundation for showcasing God’s strength.
Biblical masculinity is defined by humility, honesty, and shared burdens, not by isolation, independence, or indifference. Vulnerability brings many blessings:
- Spiritual growth. Our relationship with God grows stronger, and our reliance on Him deepens when the grip of pride and arrogance is broken. Instead of obsessing over image management, we make room for spiritual transformation.
- Emotional wellness. Asking for help and finding support reduces anxiety and stress, while increasing our resilience. Depression and destructive coping behaviors can be lessened when we seek assistance when we need it most.
- Strengthened relationships. Emotional openness fosters trust, deepens empathy, and builds stronger marriages and friendships. In particular, men who seek help can break the epidemic of male loneliness by cultivating deeper friendships.
- Healthier churches. When performance and pride are replaced by authenticity and honesty, they foster healthier disciple-making cultures and create safer spaces, allowing a deeper community to grow. Furthermore, community transformation can happen when we demonstrate to the world that the Church can be the safest place on the planet. The world will recognize we are His disciples when we give and receive love (John 13:35).
In the C.S. Lewis book The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, when asked about whether or not Aslan the lion was “safe,” Mr. Beaver responds with this well-known line:
“Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
This vivid image of Aslan, symbolizing Christ Jesus, the noble and fierce Lion of the tribe of Judah, serves as the source of guidance on masculinity. Godly men, too, can be men who are dangerous in a paradoxical way.
“Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
Men willing to ask for help are not weak; they are strong.
They’re not alone; they’re in good company.
They are not tame; they are dangerous.
They are dangerous to the kingdom of darkness because when Christian men normalize asking for help, their lives can be healed, their families strengthened, their churches deepened, and their communities transformed.
[1] Seager et al., 2014; Ogrodniczuk & Oliffe, 2011. See also: https://www.suicideinfo.ca/local_resource/men-and-suicide-fact-sheet/
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