You have probably heard that “sex is for marriage.”
Most Christian men believe this.
While biblical and well-intended, this message can also leave us ill-equipped with how to steward sexuality God’s way.
Consider these situations that involve sex within marriage:
- A wife feels taken advantage of, like it’s a duty to perform for the pleasure of her husband.
- A husband is miserable unless he gets sex.
- A spouse fantasizes about other people while being with their spouse.
- Sex is more frequent than praying together or spending time with God.
In these and other situations, the sex is within marriage, but is it fruitful to the covenant and pleasing to God?
Larry’s Story
A year ago, Larry was deeply distraught as he shared his story with me.
He said, “I’m looking for that one thing I still need to heal from to quit porn.”
His marriage had been rocked by his porn use after his married sex life hadn’t met his expectations.
He had gone from one support program to another, trying to heal from emotional wounds from his childhood. After years of this, porn was still his chosen vice for comfort—and he felt hopeless.
As he shared his story, the answer became clear, and it wasn’t what he was thinking.
His dad had taught him that sex was for marriage, and honorably, he wanted to do things right. He saved himself for his wife and quit porn before the wedding. After a few years, they experienced tension in their sex life, which led to emotional turmoil and a marriage deprived of sex.
It was at this time that he reintroduced porn into his life to satisfy unmet desires.
While Larry thought he had to heal from childhood trauma in order to quit porn, his core issue was that he had unknowingly developed a worldly understanding of sexuality, rather than one led by Scripture.
Sexual issues develop for a myriad of reasons, and in Larry’s case, like many men, it was that he had unknowingly grown up on a lie, despite good intentions.
Almost every lie men believe about sex is connected to emphasizing the pleasure of sex over spiritual satisfaction with God. When we learn how sexuality is designed to point to intimacy with God, many lies start to disappear, and issues get resolved.
Colossians 1:16 states that “all things are for (God).” So what if sex and sexual desires are for Him more than they are for us?
Where many feel tormented without the sexual outlet they crave, God is welcoming us into a satisfying intimacy with Him in the context of our sexuality.
Almost every lie men believe about sex is connected to emphasizing the pleasure of sex over spiritual satisfaction with God.
If we believe that the only godly way to act on sexual desires is through having sex in marriage, we are going to run into problems. It is evidence that we think of sex only on a human level.
In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
He begins by exploring the audience’s perceptions of sexuality on a worldly, human level. The reason He then declares that lusting after a person is adultery is that it’s a violation of the covenant we have with God that will satisfy our hearts’ desires and bring peace to our bodies. When we lust after one created in His image rather than finding satisfaction in Him alone, it’s adultery with the one we covet and adultery against God, the Lover of our souls.
Larry’s belief about sex was that marriage was going to be the pinnacle of acting on his sexual desires, and when that went south, he felt he had to turn to porn because he had no other outlet for his sexuality. This is a common story for men.
Three Categories of Sexuality
We can think of sexuality in three categories, and it is vital to distinguish each one from the other:
- Godly sex
- Sexual desire
- Sexual immorality
Much of the focus in church circles is on saving sex for marriage and quitting sexual immorality. This is Larry’s story.
As Larry has learned how his sexual desires point him to intimacy with Christ, he has learned to steward his sexuality with holiness. He is now totally free of porn and masturbation. He acts on his sexual urges by receiving satisfaction in Christ on a heart level, rather than growing in bitterness towards his wife for not being the sexual outlet he thinks he “needs.”
In this design, his sexual desires become a training ground for dying to self, glorifying God, and honouring his wife, sexually or otherwise.
The world’s approach to sex is the opposite. It glorifies our physical pleasure, uses another person’s body for self-gratification, and God isn’t part of the process.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 says:
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.
Sexual desires are used by God to sanctify us and teach us to control our bodies with holiness and honour because we know God. They are a training ground for us to learn how not to take advantage of others because we aren’t just called to save sex for marriage, but to live a holy life in the context of our sexuality.
When we get it right, sex in marriage is a consistent, consensual experience where each spouse serves the other for the glory of God and the benefit of their marriage.
If you have sexual issues in your life, ask yourself these questions:
- Have I prioritized sexual pleasure over intimacy with God?
- Have I taken advantage of other people sexually without even knowing it?
- How can God use my sexual desires to train me in godliness?
- What do I need to apologize to my wife for regarding our sex life?
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